Recognizing
that you’re involved in something that might not be healthy for you can be
difficult. Whether it’s a relationship with a spouse, a job, or even just
dealing with family; many of us have a tendency to hold on for dear life for fear
of looking like a failure.
Historically,
that’s been one of my biggest fears. The
“F” word. Now factor in all the work, time, energy, and heart you’ve put into
whatever the situation may be, it’s incredibly hard to let go. Sometimes there
are subtle signs as the situation deteriorates slowly. Other times, they may as
well have bought themselves a billboard alongside the highway.
I
know for me, I’ve had to put an end to a few relationships just in the last
couple of weeks. It always hits me hard, no matter how badly I needed to pull
myself out of the fire. At my age, I can’t afford to waste any more time on
people who consistently belittle me, threaten me, yell at me, or disrespect me.
In the case of my family, I’ve gone back for a second helping of abuse soup
because I felt an obligation to my mom or my dad to make things work. I’ve
always shouldered a great deal of the responsibility because I felt like I owed
it to my parents, even though my mom isn’t even alive anymore.
If
enough time passes and just the right things are
said, my brain is suddenly capable of forgiving the past, and I let these people back in. Only to end up as
I am now; with a cellphone full of nasty voicemails and text messages telling
me what a horrible person I am. Despite what some people may choose to believe,
I truly am a good person, and I suppose I
have trouble coming to terms with the fact that not everyone else is. It’s like
an expression I once heard says, ‘You’ll end up very disappointed if you think
people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as
you.” I think that applies to this situation perfectly.
Something
similar happened last week with a working relationship. Technically, it was not
a job, and no money ever changed hands. It
was supposed to be a fun Saturday morning hobby, but we still attempted to
maintain a working relationship with all involved. It became clear fairly early
on that being friends was out of the question. However, for the sake of the
project, we tried. I don’t think anyone else knew the difference, but we sure
did.
My
husband and I worked very hard to make this project a success, but
unfortunately we just couldn’t keep hanging on to a situation that wasn’t
healthy for either of us. Once a fun
little hobby becomes a full-time job, without pay or benefits, it’s time to
reevaluate the situation. When you add miscommunication, verbal abuse, and a
condescending, know-it-all attitude from the person you’re doing the work for,
it’s time to get out.
I
don’t care what it is, even if it’s a million dollar a year salary, if you’re
left sobbing every day due to stress, it’s no longer worth it. In the midst of
all of this, I experienced a breast cancer scare, to which I can happily report
that I got the all clear for now. (I go back in six months.) I kept on working
because I felt like I needed the distraction. However, when family members or
close business associates respond to hearing the news by saying, “Yeah, I’ve
got a lot going on over here too” as
you express your fear of possibly having cancer, seems like a pretty good time
to get out of there.
Let
me reiterate that many of us with bipolar disorder are terrified of the “F”
word. I know that nobody wants to fail, but when your brain isn’t quite firing
on the right cylinders, in the right order, it’s a daily fear. I didn’t take a shower today?!?!?
I’m such a failure. It sounds ridiculous, and I recognize that, but it’s
true!
So,
how do you extricate yourself from an unhealthy relationship of any kind?
Obviously, it’s different for every person and every situation. However, if you
already know going in that it’s going to get ugly, I’m not against writing a
script for yourself, so you stick to just what needs to be said and not even
engage in any of the back and forth arguing. I wish I had thought of it before now so that in the past I would have remembered
to stay in my lane, and not engage in the childish bullshit. Unfortunately,
in my case, both eruptions occurred without
a hell of a lot of warning, so I didn’t have time to plead my case using common
sense and intellect.
I
would certainly advise that you not make the same mistakes I did and lose your
cool. Conduct yourself in a calm manner, don’t let them drag you down there
with them. None of this is your fault. You never asked for, nor do you deserve
this type of treatment. Believe me, I
know it’s hard; but if you wholeheartedly know that a situation is no longer
healthy for you, you owe it to yourself to exit stage left. Let
me also add that with the way social media has taken over, it’s not enough to just unfollow someone on Facebook or
Twitter. You’ve got to block them and fast before they can do any further
damage to you psychologically.
Try not to feel guilty
or as if you’ve failed. You are not the reason that this relationship went bad.
Have you probably made mistakes at times, just as I have? Of
course, I’m sure all of us have. However, if you’ve come forward and admitted
to those mistakes or even apologized for the times when you weren’t at your
best, that’s all you can do. If the other person still treats you badly, you
can’t allow that person or people to treat you like you don’t matter. You’re
better than that. You do matter, and you
are enough. Don’t ever forget that!
