But wait! There's more!

 

I haven’t written in a long time, and while I feel bad about that, it couldn’t be helped. Life has been, in a word, unpredictable. I’ve had trouble with focus and concentration. Which, if you know anything about depression, you know that’s par for the course.

I started a small life coaching business! It is still in its infancy and I’m still learning. My goal is to become a women’s wellness life coach. But, to start I will get a certificate in life coaching. Most of my work is in anxiety. I have helped a few people with that. Everything has been free of charge at this point, but I’m really hoping to move beyond that and start charging soon. The more education and practice, the better!

My podcast launched successfully and that has been going really well. I had an overwhelming response to my request for guests on social media. I was really surprised and a tiny bit overwhelmed. We’re releasing a show a week, so it’s going to take some time to get through the list. I’ve had some great shows so far and I’m looking forward to recording more. Hopefully the surgery won’t keep me grounded for too long.

The difficult thing, which is just adding a tremendous amount of stress to my life is my physical health. Ever since my stomach surgery in December 2024, I’ve had horrific heartburn/acid reflux/nausea/vomiting. Sometimes, it wakes me up in the middle of the night choking and gagging on acidic bile. I’ve been on all of the prescriptions, followed all the rules, bought over the counter stuff just to supplement the prescriptions…hoping. It’s just gotten worse as time goes on. So, my doctor told me that there isn’t anything else to do except bypass. I don’t really understand the logistics, but apparently there’s a really big difference. So, that happens in a few weeks. 

Over the last few weeks, I swear I’ve been through every medical test known to man. Of course, that’s far from true, it just feels like that some days. Yesterday was supposed to be my last one. I still don’t officially have approval, so as of right now, I’m still a little bit of a basket case worrying that my primary care doctor won’t approve it, or insurance will make some sort of moronic decision.

Honestly? All of this, plus a few other situations caused a crash a few weeks ago. I woke up one morning, and I knew it. There was nothing I could do, my life felt completely meaningless. I spent 2 weeks curled up in bed, so severely depressed and in tears. I was terrified, I didn’t know when it was going to end. Doctors were of no help. Thank God I’ve been through that enough times in my life that I can, to some extent rationalize that my entire world isn’t crashing down around me. It hurts and it’s devastating, but it doesn’t last forever. 

Thankfully, I had the support of my husband. I don’t think I’d get through anything without him. I worked at it, little by little. I tried to keep the guilt for not getting all the things done at bay. Eventually, I started to feel better and slowly started introducing things back into my life that I’d put on the back burner to relieve some of the pressure. It’s still a little tricky now. I’m still struggling with some lingering depression, but for the most part, I’m doing OK.

The big thing is, August 3^rd will be my 25^th wedding anniversary. Sadly, we can’t make a big to do because of everything that’s going on, but we’re going to be together and that is what matters. Despite some serious low points in our lives, some of which I am unable to discuss, we do still have the good stuff. And we are still crazy about each other. And we have each other. That is what means the most to me in all of this.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I’m extremely nervous about life in general and really struggling with getting sleep at night. All I can do is hope that the surgery is successful and it does what it’s meant to do. Then maybe, I can avoid doctors for a little while!

What the Pictures Don't Show

I couldn’t stop staring at the pictures.

I’ve pulled them up on my phone more times than I can count, just trying to convince myself they’re real.

The first time I saw that “before” picture, I was completely flabbergasted. I knew I was overweight, but I had no idea it looked like that. We didn’t even have a full-length mirror in the house at the time, so I never really saw the full picture.

But seeing them side by side?

It stopped me.

More than a year apart, and it feels like I’m looking at two completely different lives.

Back then, my day-to-day life was the best I could make of it while living with crippling depression and constant pain. My knees were so bad that just getting to the restroom meant using a walker. Some days, even the smallest tasks felt overwhelming.

I knew I was struggling. I knew my quality of life had changed drastically. But the pain was so intense that I could only focus on getting through a couple things each day. Even something as simple as going downstairs felt impossible on my own.

The hardest part wasn’t just the weight.

It was the pain. It was the instability. It was falling. It was needing a walker just to get around, and a wheelchair to leave the house for four years.

That was my reality.

And mentally… I was a mess.

From the outside, I tried to make it seem like I was doing okay. I showed up the best I could. I smiled when I needed to. I said I was “fine.”

But inside, the depression was heavy. It sat with me every day. And when I let myself really think about what my life had become—how much it had changed—it was overwhelming.

So a lot of the time, I didn’t let myself think about it too deeply.

I just focused on getting through the day.

One small thing at a time.

And somehow… even like that, I kept going.

But things weren’t getting better.

My knees kept getting worse and worse. I hadn’t left the house except for doctor’s appointments in about four years. And even that was an ordeal. Getting down the stairs was horrific, and having to use a wheelchair felt humiliating.

Every doctor I saw told me the same thing—I needed to lose weight before they would even consider replacing my knees.

I tried. I really did.

I started to lose a little weight, but not nearly enough to make a difference in their eyes.

And I felt stuck.

Like no matter what I did, I wasn’t going to get out of this.

Until someone stepped in and changed everything.

A friend recommended a doctor who was willing to do the surgery despite my weight.

And that decision changed my life completely.

Each of the three surgeries brought their own kind of pain, and I struggled through all of them.

But somewhere in that process, something shifted.

I learned that I can do hard things.

I started to build a kind of confidence in myself that I didn’t have before. I began standing up for myself more. Things that used to get to me don’t even bother me now, because I know there are more important things to focus on.

Everything feels different.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and it still catches me off guard. It feels like I’m looking at someone else.

But in the best way.

I’m just starting to get back into life again.

And I don’t take that lightly.

“Still going” means something different to me now.

It means continuing to learn.
Keeping faith in the process.
And doing something—anything—each day until those small things turn into bigger ones.

It means not giving up on myself.

And it also means recognizing the people who stood by me through it all.

My husband has been through so much taking care of me over the last couple of years. And a big part of this journey, for me, is finding my way back—not just to myself, but to the wife he once knew.

I’m not finished.

But I’m here.

And I’m still going.