10 Years

 

10 Years

 

It’s been 10 years. 10 solid years.

There’s got to be something bigger…A DECADE.

 

10 years since my suicide attempt

10 years since my last attempt at self-harm

10 years since I left that hospital resolved to never return

10 years since I started this blog

10 years since I started my book

10 years since I learned that I could be a mental health advocate

 

It’s been a decade.

 

I was forty years old back then, and I misunderstood everything. I still didn’t know why I cut myself, or why I ever said I wanted to die, even though I loved my husband so completely. I could tell other people that were struggling that they were loved and needed in this world. For some reason, it just didn’t apply to me.

 

You never could have convinced me at nineteen when I finally started getting treatment for my disease that I would be FIFTY years old and still talking about this. I just assumed back then that you took a pill for a while, maybe saw a doctor, perhaps a therapist and cried it out and boom! You’re good. I had no idea what I was in for.

 

I’m still in treatment every single day, and I always will be. The difference is now, I don’t hang my head in shame.  Now, I hold my head high because I made it to FIFTY and I’m pretty close to stable! I still have my horrendously bad days, and that’s something I’m prepared for. It will probably always happen, and I have better coping skills nowadays to get me through. My bad days don’t seem to last as long, and they certainly don’t drive me to self-harm.

 

I certainly never thought that at fifty years old I would be celebrating all of these milestones. There are things in my life that make it hard to feel like celebrating, but I’m working through it. Just for a minute, I can take some time and feel proud that I did it.

 

It’s not just about medication. You have to do the work. You have to talk to yourself every single day. You have to learn how to filter out negative thoughts. You have to teach yourself to say, “you know what, we didn’t get that done today, but it’s OK, tomorrow is another day”. Be nice to yourself. Read good books. Watch good movies. Listen to how other people talk to each other and gain perspective. Try therapy. Find yourself a GOOD doctor. Don’t just settle. You have every right to the best medical care. Surround yourself with good people that care about you. You’ll find your way. Just remember that you owe it to yourself to live the best life you can.

 

OK, I’m off my soapbox now. But I do get a lot of questions about these things. Just don’t forget, you’re still going to have bad times, but this does not make you a failure. That’s still a life lesson I’m trying to learn! Just try again tomorrow! I don’t feel fifty years old. Except for my bone-on-bone osteoarthritis knees, but that’s a whole other story! I don’t think I look my age or like I’ve been fighting demons for decades. I’m still going to keep fighting them with all that I have, I owe it to myself, and I owe it to my husband. We still have a lot of years together and there’s nobody else I would want to spend them with.