Sunday, August 9, 2015

Insomnia



It’s been so long since I had a good night's sleep, I can hardly recall what it feels like. I do remember that after I had surgery in 1999, it took me a long time to recuperate. Around October of that year, I started staying up all night watching crime shows.  It didn’t bother me much back then that I was up all night and slept all day.  It drove my parents nuts, but I wasn’t able to work at the time, so I didn’t see it as any big deal.  I do know there was a time when the medications I usually take at bedtime would knock me out.  Not so much anymore. 

Watching the clock turn into 5:33 am, I am left to wonder what the hell is going on.  I’m going on three months of not being able to fall asleep or wake up at a decent hour.  It’s incredibly frustrating on many levels.  The middle of the night is scary.  That’s when all of the doubts and fears creep into my head.  I’ve tried everything that all of the websites suggest, and it’s just not working.  I hate myself knowing that my husband has been asleep all of this time, and when (if) I finally fall asleep, I won’t be able to wake up for several hours.  The whole day that I could have spent with him is wasted. 

I realize that everyone feels like crap the next day if they don’t get any sleep.  However, I start to have some crazy physical reactions.  Not getting any sleep quite literally makes me sick. Of course, I have a lot on my mind.  So much is swimming around in my head; I can’t get control over any of it.  The last few weeks have been an absolute roller coaster. 

The release of my book is just around the corner.  I know that some of the sleep disturbance can be attributed to excitement and fear due to the book.  I am excited, but I am also guarded.  Every time I get my hopes up, everything turns to crap.  So, I am cautiously optimistic.  At this point, I’m so exhausted that the anticipation is beginning to turn into panic.  I’m struggling through this whole post, barely able to settle my brain down to complete a thought. 

I consistently lack confidence in all situations.  Especially when I’m all alone in the dark.  I start to remember things that I pushed to the back of my mind. I know that I have to find a solution to this now that my hands have started to shake.  That’s one of the first physical signs of no sleep.  I get the shakes.  I have no control over my thoughts.  My brain starts blowing the tiniest of details out of proportion.  Eventually, I will feel like I’m going cross-eyed.  What is wrong with me?

I need to find a solution to this problem.  I talked to my doctor a couple of weeks ago, and he suggested a higher dosage of medication.  Our insurance won’t let us fill the new prescription yet.  So, I get to sit up all night and stare at the walls, feeling delusional.  I’ve hit a dead end.  It would usually be at this point in my post that I have an epiphany and understand without a shadow of a doubt what I must do, and how I will do it.  I’m afraid this time around, I just don’t have any answers.  I’m terrified of what will happen if I don’t get some real sleep soon.  I have no idea how to fix this situation.  All I can do is hope that sooner rather than later, an answer will present itself.  I am struggling.  What I can do is tell you that if you’re going through this as well, you aren’t alone.  Maybe together we can figure this out.  I’m here, and I’m wide awake. 

It’s 6:05

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