I’ve
always had poor self-esteem. It comes from being overweight as a
child. It’s even worse now as I’ve gotten older and added more
weight. There’s a constant running dialogue in my head when I’m in
public. If someone looks at me, my brain automatically says, that’s right, stare at the fat
girl. I’m perpetually consumed by what people think, and what they
might say when I’m not looking.
Ironically,
it’s even harder when I’m with people that I know. I’m always wondering
if they noticed that I gained weight, can they see that pimple on my face, are my clothes OK? Then I will start
comparing myself to them. Look
at how good she looks in those jeans; I wish I could look like that. I
know it sounds absurd, but it’s extremely hard to overcome.
The
Social Anxiety Institute characterizes social anxiety by this definition:
Social anxiety is the fear
of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness,
feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to
avoidance. It is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other
people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, embarrassment,
humiliation, and depression.
If a person usually becomes (irrationally) anxious in
social situations but seems better when they are alone, then "social
anxiety" may be the problem.
So, it seems to me I have a textbook case. What the
definition doesn’t mention is the physical response. The knots in your
stomach, sweating, breathing heavy, crying and shaking, all of which occur
for virtually every outbreak of anxiety. I’ve never sought out any specific
treatment to help me control these symptoms. Maybe it’s time that I
do. I often miss out on important events
because the anxiety is so overwhelming. Without a medication like
Xanax, I’m totally lost. Just
getting in the car sometimes terrifies me, and all of this ties nicely into my
Agoraphobia.
Medicinenet.com describes Agoraphobia with the following
definition:
An
abnormal and persistent fear of public places or open areas, especially those
from which escape could be difficult or in which help might not be immediately
accessible. Persons with agoraphobia frequently also have panic disorder. People with mild agoraphobia often live normal lives by avoiding anxiety-provoking
situations. In the most severe agoraphobia, the victims may be incapacitated and homebound. Agoraphobia
tends to start in the mid to late 20s, and the onset may appear to be triggered
by a traumatic event.
These
conditions are very similar to one another, but even so, having both of them is
a nightmare. I’m making a confession; I haven’t driven anywhere in
over a year. Joe does currently have to take my car to work, but even if he was home, I wouldn’t just hop in the car and go
somewhere. Between the Agoraphobia and just general anxiety, I’m afraid to drive. There have
been times when I’m driving down the road, or making a turn, and I can’t get
the image of another car hitting me out of my head. It’s scary
stuff. So, like a lot of people, I turn to avoidance, which is the
wrong response.
So,
now what? Being aware of my issues hasn’t ever been my problem; it’s
following up on treatment that’s the real puzzle. I do have good news in
that area, however. I finally went to see a new psychiatrist.
If
you’re unaware, for roughly three years
(since my suicide attempt), I have only been
seeing my primary care doctor for medication management. However, he has
run into some roadblocks with the insurance, so we started looking. I
found someone, and I really like
her. She’s the first mental health care provider that I have been to in about
ten years that genuinely seems like she’s
listening, and she actually cares.
I’m grateful for that.
I
started two new medications; one for
depression and one for restless leg syndrome. She
also increased my anti-anxiety medication, which is a huge blessing. So far so
good, except for being drowsy during the
day. It’s a side effect that I assume will gradually wear off. If
that’s all I have to worry about, I would say I’m ahead of the game. Once
again, it was suggested that I try
therapy. Perhaps I will. If nothing else, I will meet the therapist
that she works with and see if I’m comfortable. If not, I won’t
continue. So, I feel like I’m off to a good start. What about
you? Do these definitions seem familiar to you? Were you even aware
that there was a name for what you were feeling?
I’m
working on it, and I think I will get there. I’ve said it so many times before, but I’m so grateful to have the support
of my husband. Without him, there would be no me.
For
now, I’m going to keep moving ahead and being grateful for the good days. I
will focus on my healthy eating and healthy lifestyle. We bought a heavy
(punching) bag that we put up in the basement so I can let out some anger and
frustration while hopefully helping me get in shape. I’m very excited,
and I know it will help with my anxiety level.
So, for now, hang on tight! It’s going to be a bumpy ride!
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