This is my first attempt
at writing a blog post in a very long time. I’m not ashamed to say that I have been
struggling with my symptoms. I would tell myself that I need to keep moving
forward. I need to stay relevant. But, my brain has always had other plans. Last
night as I was trying to sleep, I kept telling myself that it was OK. Everyone
has a dry spell. It’s not your fault; it just is. How I long to believe that.
I feel as if I’m beginning
to fall to pieces. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I have people that
count on me. Not to mention, I’m fed up with what my break downs put my husband
through. His birthday is next week. I am resolved not to be a basket case for his
big day. I feel as if I can’t refer to myself as a writer when I’ve hardly
written an email in months. To top it all off, I’m sick as a dog with a cold or
the flu, something along those lines. I’m a little bit miserable.
I’ve begun to see a disturbing
pattern within myself, and that pattern is envy. As I scroll through Twitter, I
see all of my amazing friends with new blog posts, articles being published, and
reaching new frontiers in mental health. It’s awesome. This is what we all want
and need. I have a strange sense of, “why can’t that be me”? I hate that, I do.
There are times when I know I’m my worst enemy. If I just sit down and start
typing, a lot of times, I get the desired outcome. When I started typing this,
I wasn’t even sure where I was headed. I’m still not 100%, but I NEED this. I
need to feel as if I’m a part of things. As if I’m just as capable as anyone
else. Otherwise, I may as well give up on all of it.
There will always be
people that are more successful than I am, I understand that. I have a very bad
perfectionist streak, and I am prone to getting down on myself for every little
thing. I could be doing so much with my time, yet I’m worn out and stuck in
this need for self-care. At what point does self-care become laziness? I don’t
even want to think about that. That would just be yet another flaw in my
character for me to dwell on.
Is anyone else out there
feeling this? I’m sure there must be someone. Last month, I turned 46. Where in
the hell has all of the time gone? I don’t want to live with all of these regrets.
I don’t want to live with being jealous of other people that are getting out
there and kicking ass. I have a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to
make. I struggle with that little voice in my head that tells me it’s time to
give up on this advocacy thing and just live your life.
I’m going to keep going
because that’s what I need to do. I will stumble and fall, and there will
always be someone that does it better, but I have to move forward. I owe that
to anyone that is struggling and needs a sign that things do get better. You
can’t sit back and wait for opportunities to land in your lap. So, here I am. I’m
taking the first steps by writing this post. Even though I am painstakingly
aware that it isn’t one of my best; what matters is, I wrote it. Maybe it will
loosen up the writer's block I’ve been dealing with. Thank you to all of you
that are out there getting it done. We’re all grateful, if not a little
envious.
