Envy

This is my first attempt at writing a blog post in a very long time. I’m not ashamed to say that I have been struggling with my symptoms. I would tell myself that I need to keep moving forward. I need to stay relevant. But, my brain has always had other plans. Last night as I was trying to sleep, I kept telling myself that it was OK. Everyone has a dry spell. It’s not your fault; it just is. How I long to believe that.

I feel as if I’m beginning to fall to pieces. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I have people that count on me. Not to mention, I’m fed up with what my break downs put my husband through. His birthday is next week. I am resolved not to be a basket case for his big day. I feel as if I can’t refer to myself as a writer when I’ve hardly written an email in months. To top it all off, I’m sick as a dog with a cold or the flu, something along those lines. I’m a little bit miserable.

I’ve begun to see a disturbing pattern within myself, and that pattern is envy. As I scroll through Twitter, I see all of my amazing friends with new blog posts, articles being published, and reaching new frontiers in mental health. It’s awesome. This is what we all want and need. I have a strange sense of, “why can’t that be me”? I hate that, I do. There are times when I know I’m my worst enemy. If I just sit down and start typing, a lot of times, I get the desired outcome. When I started typing this, I wasn’t even sure where I was headed. I’m still not 100%, but I NEED this. I need to feel as if I’m a part of things. As if I’m just as capable as anyone else. Otherwise, I may as well give up on all of it.

There will always be people that are more successful than I am, I understand that. I have a very bad perfectionist streak, and I am prone to getting down on myself for every little thing. I could be doing so much with my time, yet I’m worn out and stuck in this need for self-care. At what point does self-care become laziness? I don’t even want to think about that. That would just be yet another flaw in my character for me to dwell on.

Is anyone else out there feeling this? I’m sure there must be someone. Last month, I turned 46. Where in the hell has all of the time gone? I don’t want to live with all of these regrets. I don’t want to live with being jealous of other people that are getting out there and kicking ass. I have a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to make. I struggle with that little voice in my head that tells me it’s time to give up on this advocacy thing and just live your life. 

I’m going to keep going because that’s what I need to do. I will stumble and fall, and there will always be someone that does it better, but I have to move forward. I owe that to anyone that is struggling and needs a sign that things do get better. You can’t sit back and wait for opportunities to land in your lap. So, here I am. I’m taking the first steps by writing this post. Even though I am painstakingly aware that it isn’t one of my best; what matters is, I wrote it. Maybe it will loosen up the writer's block I’ve been dealing with. Thank you to all of you that are out there getting it done. We’re all grateful, if not a little envious.