Is It Getting Better?

Lately, as my mood has been the lowest it has been in months, I’ve had many things going on inside my mind.  I keep going back to one thought that has been keeping me awake at night.  We’ve all noticed that in the last few years, suicide is often at the forefront of our minds.  Mainstream media, as well as social media, have been posting a lot more about it, and it seems as if we’re hearing about another suicide every other week. 

Several months ago, I saw a heartbreaking photo online of Jim Carrey, as he helped to carry the casket of his former girlfriend from the church. She committed suicide. That could have been my husband.  It wouldn’t have been publicized like that, but regardless the pain would have been the same. 

Are we doing the right thing?  Is talking about suicide online so frequently making it happen more often?  Or, does it just seem like it happens more often because we’re talking about it? 

I look at a situation like Robin Williams, and the hell his poor daughter went through after his death.  She had to close down all of her social media accounts because she was so traumatized by the negative posts about her father’s suicide.  That’s pathetic, and how I wish I could reach out to her and tell her how sorry I am.  This is what makes me question whether we’re doing the right thing.  Perhaps we aren’t doing it the right way? 

I’m on social media every single day, and I am posting away about my life, my suicide attempt, my book, my bipolar.  It leaves me open to a great deal of criticism.  At this point, I’ve even been accused of not even really being bipolar because someone read my book, and their experiences weren’t the same as mine.  So, automatically I wasn’t really sick.  THAT is really sick. 

I’ve been committed on three separate occasions, torn my life apart, lost every job I ever had, put so many scars on my body that I look like I walked through a plate-glass window, and I almost died.  If you think I am pretending to go through these things just so now and then someone says, “Wow, I’m really sorry,” you’re the one that needs help.  I’m not stupid, weak, a coward, attention seeking, or a failure at life.  

I sit here and contemplate whether or not being so open about suicide is the best way to go, on my blog dedicated to being open about suicide. I’ve always been told I’m a walking paradox.  This is what I truly want to believe.  Yes, this is the right thing.  People need to know.  They need to understand what this is like.  Talking about it isn’t causing it to happen more often, we’re just more open to hearing about it.  That has to be the case. Otherwise, everything I’ve done has been for nothing, and I cannot stand the thought of that. 

Maybe this is just one of those situations where my mind is all over the place because I’m deep in a bout of depression that has me so completely knocked on my ass, that I’ve got no idea when I’m getting back up.  Even at night when I do sleep, my mind creates these horrific scenarios in my head.  I can’t help but think, I was lucky enough that didn’t happen, but you’re making me watch it as if it did?  WHY? 

Is social media the best thing for mental illness?  I think perhaps it’s like anything else, there are pros and cons.  I want to believe that the pros far outweigh the cons on this one.  I know that personally, and I’m certain due to my experiences, that too much of it sends me into a tailspin.  I simply can’t go to that place day after day.  It’s far too painful for me.  I’m sure there are others that feel the same way.  I do feel that it’s up to each of us to be responsible with what we post and how.  Posting a picture of your bleeding arm is not helping anyone, I can promise you that.  If anything, you just triggered about a thousand people to do that to themselves...possibly including me.  As someone who has been there, I know first-hand.  

Let’s just be careful with this.  Let’s be kind, considerate, and respectful.  That’s all I’m asking.  If someone is in a bad spot, help them out if you can.  If you can’t, that’s OK too.  You can only do as much as you can do at any given moment.  I’d love to help everyone that I scroll past, but there are sometimes when I just can’t.  I have to help myself at that moment. 

I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that my book is doing much more good than harm.  That’s why I put myself out there.  That’s why I’ve been subjected to all of this scrutiny.  I’m a mere mortal, and I can only take so much.  So, there will be days when I’m not doing well and maybe I can tell you why, and maybe I can’t.  If putting it out into the universe helps someone, I’m extremely grateful for that.  I just don’t ever want to be the source of someone else's pain. 

It’s a lot to think about all at once.  I hope I’ve made at least some amount of sense.  Yes, I think we are doing the right thing.  I just don’t think everyone is doing it the right way.  I guess when all is said and done, that’s my conclusion. 

Visit my website at: www.rebeccalombardo.com

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Thank you!  

Being a Bipolar Author

I’ve spent many, many years dealing with bipolar disorder.  However, I’ve only spent a year as a bipolar author.  All authors face challenges.  Struggling to be published, meeting deadlines, promoting. I am now of the opinion that those of us dealing with bipolar disorder have a different battle to fight.  On the heels of receiving my very first rude and threatening email about my book, I am facing an even greater challenge.  I have to fight to even continue to put myself out there for this type of scrutiny.  I’m constantly trying to tell myself that if I were to give up, the bullies would win.  I can’t do that. 

Take a book signing for example.  I had one last year and going into it, I was terrified.  I’ve never been good at public speaking to begin with.  When you factor in my anxiety issues, I wasn’t sure I would even get through it.  Thankfully, my husband was next to me the entire time.  I think I pulled it off, but I’m not sure how I would have done had there been more people in attendance. 

We all face issues with confidence.  I’m not so naïve that I don’t understand that.  I feel like authors or writers that are not dealing with mental illness may have a leg up in some areas.  In my situation, I am at a stage where I am rarely leaving my house or even my bedroom. I don’t think someone like James Patterson has to contend with such obstacles. 

In my book, I documented my enormous issues with body image and self-esteem. I’ve always been negative about my appearance. Over the years dealing with my depression, I’ve gained more weight than I ever would have imagined. Dealing with bipolar disorder, weight gain, and the possibility of appearing in photos or on television is incredibly daunting. I did one television interview early on, and I can’t even look at the video at this point. It sends me into a deep depression for days.  Even now that I’m on the right path with my health, and I’m down 27 pounds, I still beat myself up for appearing in front of the camera the way I look.

For those of us that happen to feel things much deeper than most people, negative reviews are like a sharp knife to your heart. It’s been an arduous task trying to convince myself that just because not everyone likes it, doesn’t mean I’m a failure…or as one person called me, a selfish narcissist. I never in my wildest dreams thought that putting my story out there in an effort to raise awareness about suicide would be met with such comments. I’m simply trying to help people!

Granted, I’m no Mother Teresa, but I didn’t join this fight to make myself look good. Quite the contrary.  I wanted to use this platform to tell a cautionary tale, so to speak. To let others know that I made many mistakes along the way, but I am certainly much stronger for learning from those mistakes.  Most of all, people need to understand that having a bad day doesn’t mean you have a bad life. 

So, I’ll take comfort in the fact that there are those that support me.  The mental health community is amazing. I love feeling a sense of camaraderie. As if we’re all here, fighting the same battle and hopefully making a difference.  I’ve met some of the most amazing people in the last year.  As much as I struggle with social anxiety and agoraphobia, it’s such a comfort to know that despite those issues, I may still be able to affect change in the world around me. 

Of course, there are days when it’s extremely difficult to keep focused on the positive.  It’s hard to keep focus at all.  That is one of the main reasons I’ve been rather terrified to sign on to any particular website to write a monthly column.  When I’m depressed, all concentration goes out the window.  It feels as if there’s a movie playing inside my brain on fast forward and I have no idea where the remote is.  When writer’s block sets in, I can’t slow my brain down to come up with a sentence, let alone an entire article.  I’m constantly afraid of letting people down or even letting myself down. The idea of being a failure still rests comfortably on my shoulder.  Ever present and always reminding me of the mistakes I’ve made.  I often make an effort to reach out and help others with whatever they’re working on.  At times, it helps to put my situation into perspective.  The next thing I know, I’m writing again. 

I never know when an idea will hit me.  Last night, it was around 1:30 in the morning.  It’s both a curse and a blessing.  While I’m grateful for the opportunity to put pen to paper, I’m sometimes a slave to my expanded consciousness. 

I realize that I have traditionally been way too hard on myself.  I need to give myself credit once in a while.  If I see someone on TV that is an extremely talented artist, musician, or even a writer, that little voice inside my head is very vocal. I’m forever thinking, “I wish I was that good at anything!” I’ve beat myself up for so many years, I’m not sure I would know how to be kind. 

I lack confidence on so many levels.  Poor self-esteem is a symptom of depression, but when will I learn to cut myself some slack? I wrote a book and I got it published, and it’s helping people! I have an extremely successful blog and I feel as if I’ve earned the respect of many others in the mental health community, at least on social media!  So, when do I stop and give myself a little pat on the back? I carry burdens that many people wouldn’t be able to shoulder for very long.  I fight a battle inside my head (and my heart) from the minute I get up in the morning. 

Perhaps now is the time to remember that despite the challenges of being an author and having bipolar disorder, it can be managed.  I just have to be willing to use a little common sense.  I’ve gotten this far.  I think I’ve probably thrown in the towel once a week for nearly a year, and I’m still going.  I didn’t die when it was all I could think about 3 years ago.  I’m a fighter.  I may not always be able to keep that in mind for myself, but I hope I can impart that wisdom onto others that are lacking in the confidence department.  Sometimes it’s OK to just exist.  If you’re facing a challenge due to your mental illness, let it be your moment to shine!  No matter how scary it is, you have to face it head on.  If you can’t be realistic about your situation on Tuesday, give yourself some time.  Maybe on Friday you can knock it out of the park.  

Concentration

It’s not uncommon for most of us to experience days when we may not be able to concentrate fully on the task at hand for a variety of reasons.  There are days when it’s difficult to simply determine what you might want to eat, let alone come to any important conclusions.  People with bipolar disorder are no exception. In fact, it’s an even bigger problem.

I know from my own experience that regardless of whether I am in a manic phase or a severely depressed phase, concentration is a recurring issue. Most of the articles I read seem to indicate that a manic episode would cause a sharp and clear frame of mind. Historically, that is not how it works for me.

I love books. I enjoy reading very much and if I could I would do it every single day.  I’ve had many people approach me about reading their book or their blog, and I do have every intention of doing just that.  However, my brain seems to have other ideas.  There was a point in my treatment with one of my previous doctors that we came to the conclusion that my lack of an attention span could possibly be Adult ADHD.  It’s still not out of the question, especially when I consider the symptoms. 

Common emotional symptoms of adult ADD/ADHD include: sense of underachievement. doesn't deal well with frustration. easily flustered and stressed out. irritability or mood swings. trouble staying motivated. hypersensitivity to criticism. short, often explosive, temper. low self-esteem and sense of insecurity – www.helpguide.org

At that time, I was given Ritalin.  After a couple of months, I started to experience something that felt like perpetual panic attacks.  After investigating the side effects, I determined that Ritalin was not for me.

Common side effects of Ritalin include nervousness, agitation, anxiety, sleep problems (insomnia), stomach pain, loss of appetite, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, palpitations, headache, vision problems, increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, sweating, skin rash, psychosis, and numbness, tingling – www.rxlist.com

There was never another opportunity to explore that diagnosis again, because, before long, I was feeling suicidal and was hospitalized for my attempt.

Setting ADHD on the back burner for a moment, it only makes sense that someone like me wouldn’t be able to focus. It’s like a movie is fast forwarding in my brain and I can’t find the remote.  It only gets worse at night when I’m trying to sleep.  This is why I make lists.  I can’t remember half of what I was trying to get done because my brain is thinking of 25 other things I need to do.  However, by the time I’ve written down every single thing I want to get done for the next 10 years, the list has become far too overwhelming to even comprehend.  None of it gets done and I start over the next day.

Having done a bit of research on this topic, I still have a burning question. While most of my time is spent desperately trying to focus on one simple task, I do have good days.  They can go for stretches of a week or even a month. For instance, I’ve decided I wanted to spend some time enjoying the weather while reading on our back porch. I’ve had little to no difficulty concentrating on the book I’m reading.  So, where am I? I’m not severely depressed and I’m not completely manic. I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.

I suppose the best thing for me is to just go with it.  Enjoy it while it lasts…because I have no idea how long that will be.  I have hopes that I can keep it going all summer, but that’s putting the cart before the horse. For today, I’ll be grateful for my seemingly expanded consciousness.  Now if I could just do something about this terrible memory! One thing at a time, I suppose.

During my research, I happened upon some tips for gaining more focus.  Many articles seem to conclude that getting your mood swings under control is the first step.  Here are some others:

• Manage your time. Don’t try to do too much. Say no if you can’t do it.
• Lead a healthy lifestyle. Eat a balanced diet rich in fruits and vegetables and whole grains. Eat only low-fat meats and poultry. Get regular exercise, which can have both mental and physical health benefits. Avoid caffeine.
• Learn relaxation techniques. These include breathing exercises, yoga, and massage. Remember to balance periods of activity with periods of relaxation.
• Keep a daily planner. It will help you to remember appointments and commitments.
• Seek support from family and friends. Spend time talking and listening to each other. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Choose a support group you can trust to tell you the truth even if it’s not what you want to hear.
• Avoid drugs and alcohol. Taking drugs and alcohol may lessen the effectiveness of your bipolar medications and lead to potentially dangerous side effects.
• Get in a routine. A daily schedule can add structure to your life, and structure can help you cope with stress. – www.everydayhealth.com

If you made it this far, congratulations! You are currently not having trouble concentrating! J

I’ll be grateful for whatever time I have to check a few things off the list.  First and foremost, I need to be realistic.  I wouldn’t be surprised if my propensity for writing overly-abundant lists actually cause my focus to shift; I’ll take a closer look at that another time. For now, I have some reading to do!

Playing Catch Up

Sometimes I feel like I’m perpetually trying to catch up with my life. As if all of the good days need to be spent trying to make up for all of the bad days. I don’t think it’s even possible. I’ve let my depression steal many things from me.  I’ve missed parties, funerals, weddings…and life. Then I have to stop and ask myself, could it have been avoided?  The answer to that truly is no.

Am I entitled to feel guilt or even remorse for all that I’ve lost? Do I owe everyone I know an apology for all that I’ve taken from them? I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this, yet I carry all of the burden of the guilt and the loss.  I know I have isolated myself and at times pushed people away. So, do I really have to wonder why people don’t call to check up on me? Why so many of my relationships have ended in a dramatically painful fashion?

How I wish I could get a couple of years back. With the knowledge that I possess currently, of course. Perhaps spend a little extra time with my lost loved ones.  Relive the first few years of my marriage and just be happy. Happy for me, happy for my family and for my husband. I hate this overwhelming feeling of regret. Even now the bad days cast a shadow over the good because I know that a downward spiral could happen at any moment.

I suppose I’m just feeling sorry for myself.  I can’t change the past. I know that. Can I change the future? It’s all too much.  So overwhelming. I can’t alter people’s perception of me. Whether they’re in my life or not, I can’t be something I’m not.  But, I can live in the now. This feeling like I’m shackled to my past; as if I need to carry it inside and be constantly reminded of all of the pain. I need to work on leaving it behind me.

I’m making real and positive changes to my life, and for that I’m grateful.  Is it enough? Will it keep history from repeating itself? I truly want and need to believe that is the case. I will always be terrified of getting older.  I’m frightened of losing more people that I love and even more so of dying myself. So, I’ve got to take a deep breath and come to terms with my situation.

This is the only life I have and it’s time to face facts. There are still going to be bad days.  I can’t escape that. I need to stop letting this disease lie to me. I don’t need to make up for my mistakes; I just need to learn from them. I’ve got to look inside and find a reason to feel positive about where I’m headed.  Otherwise, in 10 or 20 years I’ll be looking back at the 43-year-old me wondering why I didn’t work harder to make the future better.

I have to believe in myself and know that now I’ve been to the very bottom, I can only go up. That has to be some kind of incentive. That little voice inside of my head needs to take a step back. My raison d'etre is all around me.  This is not the final act. I’m just getting started. Everything will be better now that I’m aware of my surroundings. Perhaps I don’t know exactly which direction I’m headed, but that’s OK. I only need to keep moving…in any direction except behind me.

Social Anxiety

As long as I can remember, I’ve been dealing with social anxiety.  When it first started, I didn’t realize that what I was feeling fell into any particular category.  I’m glad to know now, but I’m wondering if it’s somehow made me even more susceptible.

I’ve always had poor self-esteem.  It comes from being overweight as a child.  It’s even worse now as I’ve gotten older and added more weight.  There’s a constant running dialogue in my head when I’m in public.  If someone looks at me, my brain automatically says, that’s right stare at the fat girl.  I’m perpetually consumed by what people think, and what they might say when I’m not looking.

Ironically, it’s even harder when I’m with people that I know.  I’m always wondering if they noticed that I gained weight, can they see that pimple on my face, are my clothes OK?  Then I will start comparing myself to them.  Look at how good she looks in those jeans; I wish I could look like that.  I know it sounds absolutely absurd, but it’s extremely hard to overcome. 

The Social Anxiety Institute characterizes social anxiety by this definition:

Social anxiety is the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance.

It is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.

If a person usually becomes (irrationally) anxious in social situations but seems better when they are alone, then "social anxiety" may be the problem.

So, it seems to me I have a textbook case.  What the definition doesn’t mention is the physical response.  The knots in your stomach, sweating, breathing heavy, crying and shaking.  All of which occur for virtually every outbreak of anxiety.  I’ve never really sought out any specific treatment to help me control these symptoms.  Maybe it’s time that I do.  I often miss out on important events because the anxiety is so overwhelming.  Without a medication like Xanax, I’m totally lost.  Just getting in the car sometimes terrifies me, and all of this ties nicely into my Agoraphobia. 

Medicinenet.com describes Agoraphobia with the following definition:

An abnormal and persistent fear of public places or open areas, especially those from which escape could be difficult or in which help might not be immediately accessible. Persons with agoraphobia frequently also have panic disorder. People with mild agoraphobia often live normal lives by avoiding anxiety-provoking situations. In the most severe agoraphobia, the victims may be incapacitated and homebound. Agoraphobia tends to start in the mid to late 20s, and the onset may appear to be triggered by a traumatic event.

These conditions are very similar to one another, but even so having both of them is a nightmare.  I’m making a confession.  I haven’t actually driven anywhere in over a year. Joe does currently have to take my car to work, but even if he was home, I wouldn’t just hop in the car and go somewhere.  Between the Agoraphobia and just general anxiety, I’m afraid to drive.  There have been times when I’m driving down the road, or making a turn and I can’t get the image of another car hitting me out of my head.  It’s scary stuff.  So, like a lot of people, I turn to avoidance.  Which is the absolutely wrong response.

So, now what?  Being aware of my issues hasn’t ever been my problem.  It’s following up on some type of treatment that’s the real puzzle.  I do have good news in that area, however.  I finally went to see a new psychiatrist. 

If you’re unaware, for roughly 3 years (since my suicide attempt) I have only been seeing my primary care doctor for medication management.  However, he has run into some roadblocks with the insurance, so we started looking.  I found someone, and I really like her.  She’s the first mental health care provider that I have been to in about 10 years that genuinely seems like she’s listening, and she actually cares.  I’m grateful for that.

I started 2 new medications.  One for depression and one for restless leg syndrome. She also increased my anti-anxiety medication, which is a huge blessing. So far so good, with the exception of being drowsy during the day.  It’s a side effect that I assume will gradually wear off.  If that’s all I have to worry about, I would say I’m ahead of the game.  Once again, it was suggested that I try therapy.  Perhaps I will.  If nothing else, I will meet the therapist that she works with and see if I’m comfortable.  If not, I won’t continue.  So, I feel like I’m off to a good start.  What about you?  Do these definitions seem familiar to you?  Were you even aware that there was a name for what you were feeling? 

I’m working on it, and I think I will get there.  I’ve said it so many times before, but I’m so grateful to have the support of my husband.  Without him, there would be no me.  For now, I’m going to keep moving ahead and being grateful for the good days. I will focus on my healthy eating and healthy lifestyle.  We bought a heavy (punching) bag that we put up in the basement so I can let out some of anger and frustration while hopefully helping me get in shape.  I’ve very excited, and I know it will help with my anxiety level.  

So, for now, hang on tight! It’s going to be a bumpy ride! 

Finding A Better Me

With 2016 upon us, many people have made plans to attempt to be a better person.  Whether it’s by dieting, exercising, or going back to school.  Many of us swear that this year will be THE year.  I didn’t make any of those plans, for good reason.  I wasn’t sure where my life would be headed.  I was feeling very lost and unsure of myself. 

I haven’t always subscribed to the theory that everything happens for a reason.  I must say, it seems to be pretty accurate in this instance.  As you may know, I’ve struggled with my weight for my entire life.  I was believing all of the negative thoughts my brain badgers me with.  I know that my husband supports me in everything that I do.  Unfortunately, I didn’t believe in myself.

I’ve been on a medication called Seroquel for roughly 15 years.  It has the propensity to give you crazy cravings in the middle of the night.  I went through many years of getting up in the middle of the night to eat.  Seroquel also makes you extremely sleepy, so at times, I was sleep eating. 

I’ve gained an obscene amount of weight.  I’m constantly down on myself about my appearance.  Nothing ever seemed to work long-term…if it worked at all.  I’ve never been this overweight in my life, and in the last 10 years, I haven’t done myself any favors.  I’ve tried it all.  Diet pills, Slim Fast, Atkins, Weight Watchers, and Medical Weight Loss just to name a few. 

For me, those programs weren’t realistic.  I couldn’t afford to stay on most of them for very long.  The irony of my situation is that over the last few years, I haven’t been over-eating. 

When I made the step to ask my doctor about weight loss surgery, we realized that I wasn’t the ideal candidate.  I already ate next to nothing.  NOT eating was making me fatter.  My metabolism has been non-existent for so long, the fat just sits there.  Add to that the fact that my back has been injured since 2010, preventing me from being able to do much in the way of exercise.  I was on Oxycodone for nearly a year. 

So, one day I was on Twitter and I saw all of these tweets about how successful a certain exercise program was.  We had already purchased the DVD’s in 2014, but my back pain was so extensive, I couldn’t continue at that time.  Factor in that the program was created by a retired wrestler that I’ve been following since the 90’s, I knew I had to get on the ball. 

I reached out to him and told him my story.  He confided in me that would help guide me through the process as long as I was willing to do the work.  I was beyond grateful.  He started off by sending me a list of tasks to do to get me started.  Included in that list were several documentaries.  One, in particular, struck a chord with me.  It’s called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead (on Netflix). Unfortunately, I could relate to that title.  I learned about a man from Australia that came to America to start a juicing program.  He traveled across America with a juicer in his car and only juiced all natural, 100% organic fruits and vegetable.  Along the way, he met many people that were interested in the program.  One man in particular weight around 420 pounds.  They documented both of their stories – success stories! I was inspired and I ordered a juicer the next day. 

I wasn’t only doing this for weight loss at that point.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I wanted to feel good for once.  Never mind that I really wasn’t enjoying eating to begin with.  Everything I ate seemed to have some strange side effect.  I then watched a documentary called Genetic Roulette. (Available on Amazon) It covers all of the ways that we are essentially being poisoned by the pesticides that are being used.  They spray the fruits, vegetables, and even cotton.  Not only were the workers that handled the crops getting seriously ill, but they then take the pesticide ridden products and feed them to the cows, pigs, and chickens.  We are getting bombarded at every turn. 

Right away, I knew going organic was the thing to do.  The hardest part about this process has been teaching myself to eat/drink 3 meals a day.  Even if it was just juice, it had all of the vitamins and nutrients I could possibly need.  After making it through a 10-day juice reboot, I am 100% sold on this plan.  I now juice for breakfast and lunch, then eat an extremely healthy and organic dinner. 

You may be asking what the hell any of this has to do with bipolar or depression.  It has everything to do with it.  As of now, I’ve lost 20 pounds.  I feel amazing.  My migraines have decreased and I have more energy.  My back pain does still exist, but it doesn’t hurt as often.  In an attempt to tackle my social anxiety, we’re getting out more and doing fun things like going to the park or to a movie.  My depression symptoms are much, much more manageable.  I still get depressed and I know that I always will.  I’m not so naïve to think that I can cure it.  However, not having a foggy brain and being able to think straight sure do help you manage your symptoms better. 

I know I have a long way to go.  However, for the first time in over 10 years, I feel like I can do this.  I know there will be setbacks along the way, but I’m so much better equipped to face those setbacks.  There will still be days when I feel like crap, but I’m confident in my choices.  I no longer eat meat, dairy, or gluten.  I take vitamins every day and I’m much more active. 

Before now, I had lost all hope.  Thanks to a good old fashioned kick in the ass by one of my heroes, I feel like I can move mountains.  I call him my mentor now, and we exchange emails several times a week.  He’s always there if I have questions or concerns.  I don’t think I can ever truly express my gratitude. 

I’m not at all trying to insinuate that it’s my way or the highway.  I’ve always said that what works for me may not work for you.  I don’t make any money from this post.  I’m not trying to sell you something.  I just figured that between my book and subsequent posts, you could use a little good news from me.  J If you do want to learn more about anything I’ve discussed here, please feel free to email me at Paradoks1@aol.com. 

It’s been a long time since I had confidence.  Years since I truly felt good.  If I can help you achieve that as well, it would be amazing.  In 2013, when I set off on this adventure, I only wanted to help others.  I hope that I have, and I hope I will continue to do so. 

Learning to take care of yourself is never easy.  I’m not saying it will be simple.  I’m just telling you that it’s worth it.  You are worth it.  Thank you for indulging me. 

Until next time…

Check out www.rebootwithjoe.com for more information on juicing

Visit www.ddpyoganow.com for information on an amazing yoga program

It’s Not Your Journey – Available on Amazon www.amzn.com/0692509739

Visit my author website – www.rebeccalombardo.com

Follow me on Twitter @bekalombardo

Or Facebook www.facebook.com/notyourjourney

A Moment in Time

Sometimes when you least expect it, you need to take a step back.  Try to figure out what goal it is that you’re looking to achieve.  Really look inside your head and block out all of the outside forces.  I’ll be honest.  Behind the whole “let’s change the world and make it a more tolerant place” facade, lies one exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated individual. 

So, here I am…awake at 3:09 am, listening to my husband’s C-Pap machine and wishing my restless leg syndrome would go away.  I feel hurt and let down by a lot of people, but I’m letting them make me feel that way.  I know I’ve grown a lot, and I’m in a different place than I was in 2013, but I honestly have no idea where I’m headed next.  I’m lost in the shadow of the pain that hovers over me. 

It’s the anniversary of my mother’s death.  Eight years have passed, and somehow just thinking of it automatically transports me back to that moment at 7:00 PM, the doctor came in and turned off those machines.  I’ll never forget that feeling of utter despair and loss.  When I lost her, I lost a piece of myself that I’ll never have back. I’ve never been the same person since that day, and I never will be.  I just can’t get that image out of my head. 

So, I am taking that much needed step back.  Which is ironic, because I was just informed by my publisher that I will be embarking on a virtual blog tour.  In essence, I will be contributing to whatever blog and/or podcasts will have me.  Maybe that’s why, on a personal level, I’m inclined to move away from social media for a time.  I know I spend far too much time online as it is.  There are days when I wish I never would have started using Facebook.  When my husband is sitting next to me, and we’re not talking to each other, using our phones to talk to other people…well, you’ve got to draw a damn line somewhere.  I’ve worked far too long and far too hard to let my marriage go down the tubes because we don’t actually communicate with each other anymore.  That is not going to happen to me. 

So, if I have to take his phone and throw it across the room, I’m going to do it.  I have so little time with him to start with, and to have social media come between us in our time together is unacceptable.  I know he’ll read this, and I hope he understands and agrees. 

I cried a lot today, and at one point when I had stopped, I opened the curtain in our room, and noticed the sun start to shine. Inside my head, I said, “Hi Mom…I love you too”.  We have an old answering machine that I have I believe 4 messages from her stored on it. I’m not sure where that machine is right now, and maybe it’s better that way, because I think hearing her voice would break me more than build me up.  When you start hitting your forties, and you start realizing that the older you get, the more people you’re going to lose, well…it’s like a kick in the gut.  I feel like I’ve lost enough for a lifetime, but I have so much more to endure.  How I will get through that, I have yet to determine.  With my husband by my side, we’ll figure it out. 

I just wish I didn’t have to.  

The Urge (Trigger Warning - Discussion of self-injury)

Ironically, it’s still quite embarrassing for me to come forward and talk about particular issues that I’m going through.  Even after everything that I’ve said publicly.  I think I will always be afraid of what people will think.  Thankfully, even though it is in the back of my mind, I rarely let is stop me from being the same brutally honest person that I have always been. 

Most of you know by now that I’ve written a book.  You may also be aware that the sales are not nearly what I had hoped for.  That has been a source of stress for me, but I felt like I was handling it pretty well, for a while. You may also not be aware that I have had little to no relationship with the original publisher of the book.  After the giant catastrophe that occurred with errors in the book, he hasn’t been around much.

Last night, I found myself having to reach out to him again about more errors.  Quite frankly, it caused one of the worst panic attacks I’ve experienced in quite some time.  I was irrational, I was sobbing, and I couldn’t breathe.  It was like the dam broke.  It started a flood of pain and heartache that I’ve just been swallowing since November 1st when I had maybe 10 people in attendance at my book signing.  What kind of a fool am I?  How could I ever possibly think that I could be a success.  Everything that I’ve ever touched has turned to shit.  The ONLY thing I haven’t screwed up yet is my marriage and thank GOD for that. 

So, the darkness set in.  The depression, the sadness, the feelings of worthlessness, of hopelessness.  I feel like someone draped a lead blanket across my back and shoulders.  It’s inescapable.  Last night, I tried to go to bed early, hoping I might feel better with sleep, but I felt even heavier when I woke up.  I started this project, attempting to get my book on another format, and it wasn’t working.  I had to call the company and when I hung up, I just lost it. 

 The feelings of failure were suffocating me.  I was hyperventilating.  I didn’t understand a word she said to me, and I had no idea how to fix a thing.  Suddenly, I felt like a small child lost in the woods.  Which way do I go?  Where do I turn?  It felt like there was no answer, so I was frozen in my fears. 

All I could think of was, how stupid are you?  What the hell made you think you were capable of succeeding at anything?  So, you told people you were depressed, big damn deal…nobody cares.

This repeated in my head obsessively…until it happened.  Something I truly thought I had let go of.  It was the images of cutting.  It starts out slowly.  I just sort of picture what I might use, what the cuts may look like.  Then the cravings kick in…the deep burning desire to punish myself for being a failure.  To feel the rush of having cut hard enough to bleed. The rush calms the nerves, and everything slows down for a few minutes.  The need runs through my head like a song on repeat. 

I’ve never in my life told anyone outside my closest family members or therapists that.  The first thing I did was tell Joe.  God how I hate having to be that kind of person that interrupts her husband’s work day to tell him this horrible news.  As bad as that news is, there’s even better news.  I DIDN’T CUT.  That’s the real accomplishment in this story.  Even now, it’s buzzing around in my brain.  I know it probably sounds really stupid to someone that hasn’t experienced it.  Maybe you think it’s a dumb reason to want to do it.  None of that matters.  What matters is, I had horribly painful urges and I made it through them. 

I’m not going to sit here and run down the laundry list of things that are going wrong for us right now, that’s not what this blog is about.  What matters is that these things are painful enough…life altering enough that for one moment in time, I wanted to hurt myself to stop thinking about these things.  To punish myself for not living up to the expectations I had for myself. 

 I’m sure there are many people that don’t understand.  It’s OK.  I don’t need you to understand.  If you still want to be my friend, what I need is maybe a, “hey, are you OK?” once in a while.  You would be amazed at how much feeling cared about can change your outlook on self-injury. 

Is my book a success?  No.  Is it the only dream that I truly ever had?  Yes.  Do I feel like a gigantic failure?  You bet your sweet ass I do.  I long for someone to come along that has some fantastic ideas or really wants to help me get my name out there…because I am exhausted.  I beat myself up for being too tired to spend more time online trying to reach out to anyone and everyone in hopes of hitting it big.  Maybe to the average person, none of this is reason enough for me to want to hurt myself.  Well…good for you, truly.  I’m glad for you not having to experience this. 

Do I feel better about my life? No…not at all, honestly.  However, I have an ever-so-small glimmer of hope in the back of my mind know that I am still able to maintain my 2 years and 6 months clean of self-injury. 

I guess I’ll think about the rest of it tomorrow. 

Thanks for listening.  

Don't forget to stop by my website: www.rebeccalombardo.com

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I Guess This Is Growing Up

This time of year, I often feel particularly introspective.  2015 is coming to a close, and I can’t help but look back on the past 10 months.  When October hits, I see myself becoming more somber, knowing what the holidays have historically had in store for me.  This year, I’m finding myself in a different place. 

I’ve really been thinking about how I’ve grown as a person.  I know in the past, I’ve changed in ways I wasn’t particularly proud of.  For a very long time, it seemed like as each year passed, I became more and more bitter.  I hated that about myself, but I didn’t think I could do much to change it.  I was stumbling through life, pretending I didn’t care that I was a miserable person. 

I cannot tell a lie.  Previously, if I found something particularly offensive, I wasn’t afraid to tell anyone and everyone just how pissed off I was.  I believe that I’ve blindsided people who were just going about their life, not ever knowing I was coming to unleash my misguided fury. I am grateful to be able to say that today, that is not who I am.  I saw this meme online the other day, and I loved it. 

I completely connected with it.  Sure, there are some reprehensible things on the internet.  I understand that.  If it’s a fight for a good cause, I’ll be the first one to throw my hat in the ring.  If it’s some stranger that I couldn’t care less about or even someone that I do know, talking about politics or giving an opinion on a movie that I don’t agree with, I move on.  I keep Bill tucked away in my brain. 

Don’t we all have enough on our plates?  Do we really have the energy to devote to all of this nonsense?  I know I don’t.  Why have I always gotten so riled up about people that say stupid, insensitive things?  If it’s directly about me or said to my face, well…it’s entirely possible that they’ll have a fight on their hands.  But if I can avoid the conflict, I think it’s essential to walk away...and quickly before I change my mind. 

It’s like most things, really.  It’s all about balance.  I don’t mean to say that I’ll just sit here quietly and let people walk all over me or anyone that I love for that matter.  Quite the contrary.  I do think that I’ve had to learn a difficult lesson about picking my battles.  I’ll be the first to admit that I have flown off the handle at people, too quickly and for absurd reasons.  I hate the fact that there are people that are no longer in my life because of that.  Yet, at the same time I know that perhaps my slightly hysterical nature helped me to thin out the herd, in a sense. 

I know I’ll never have all of the answers.  I understand that I’ll make mistakes along the way.  I’ve most assuredly put myself out in the public eye where I will often be judged or criticized.  I will want to fight back and sometimes I will fight back.  I just know that at my age, I don’t have time to sit around getting in ridiculous confrontations with even more ridiculous people. 

It’s a relief, really.  It’s been a long time coming.  I deserve to find peace and happiness.  We all do.  So, on this Thanksgiving, while I will still miss my loved ones dearly, I will feel grateful.  For the insight, for the love I do have in my life, and for how I hard I worked to just be me. 

Happy Holidays. 

Q & A

I've decided to start taking questions from my readers.  I will do my best to answer any questions you may have about bipolar, writing, marriage, etc.  Just always keep in mind that I am not a licensed professional.  Any answers I give are based on my own personal experiences.  What worked for me, may not work for you.  

Here are a few questions I was asked recently:

1. What helped you find the impetus to start your blog?

I started writing my blog to help me relieve some of the pain, stress, and guilt from everything I have been through in my life up until now. I didn't even originally plan on publicizing it. I had always wanted to be a writer, but I gave up on that dream a long time ago. When I started to let people read it, I gained confidence from all of the positive feedback.  Once I made it public, the response was overwhelming. I started writing for me...I kept writing for everyone that was learning from it.

2. Over the last two years, what's kept you motivated to continue writing and posting to your blog?

Bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, suicide--all of these issues are widely misunderstood. Once I realized I was reaching people, I knew that I needed to keep going. It was scary because a lot of people didn't know that I had this disorder, and I didn't know what they would say or do. However, the outpouring of support was amazing. It feels incredible to know that you’ve helped someone.

3. What was the process like of shifting from writing a blog to writing a book?

It was difficult staying true to the premise of the book. I wanted it to read like a journal, which is why all of the chapters are dated. It was important to me that everyone understood that it was real and unfiltered.  I will admit, I wasn't entirely convinced that I wanted all of these stories out there for the world to see.  I can't even count the number of times I had to edit, rewrite, or eliminate chapters. Sometimes it was too overwhelming to be reliving all of these painful experiences over and over. I'm just glad I made it through.

4. What would you say to other people who are dealing with bipolar illness, depression, or other illnesses that can make it hard for them to be able to write and create?

I would say take it slow. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't write a best seller the first time you sit down in front of the computer. There are days when I can't write either. I don't get down on myself because I know that there will be a day when I can. I try to avoid deadlines if I can, but I know that isn't always realistic.
I worry that I'm setting myself up to fail. With the feeling of failure comes tremendous feelings of depression, and that's what we’re all trying to avoid. You may find that you're second guessing yourself, predicting that you won't be able to do it. If you're feeling that way, sit down in front of the computer or with a pen and paper and just see what happens. You might surprise yourself!

You can submit the questions to me via email Paradoks1@aol.com
Or via Twitter @BekaLombardo  

Don't forget to check out my author website - www.rebeccalombardo.com