PTSD

post–traumatic stress disorder

 noun

Definition of POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

: a psychological reaction that occurs after experiencing a highly stressing event (as wartime combat, physical violence, or a natural disaster) outside the range of normal human experience and that is usually characterized by depression, anxiety, flashbacks, recurrent nightmares, and avoidance of reminders of the event—abbreviation PTSD; called also delayed-stress disorder, delayed-stress syndrome, post-traumatic stress syndrome;

This is just one of the many symptoms that I deal with on a daily basis.  No, I haven't been in combat, or seen anyone murdered per se, but that doesn't make the condition I have any easier to tolerate. I stand in the kitchen with my husband for 20 minutes, but because he is behind me and I can't see him, if he taps me on the shoulder, I hit the roof.  

All night long I hear noises that sound like someone screaming or pounding on our front door. Sometimes when I am driving, I feel like the other cars are coming directly for me.  So, you may wonder what does a person do to cope with such anxiety in their life?  I wish I could say that I have some wonderful therapist that talks me through all of it.  BUT, I do have Joe and he is the next best thing.  

About 14 years ago, cutting was what got me through.  I was a pro.  I had a box filled with about 20 different sharp objects.  I even had certain songs that I played.  For people who don't understand it, which I know from experience there are many; you have to look at it like taking a hit of some type of drug.  It's like it calms you instantly.  Then suddenly, just as fast as it took the pain away, it gave it back to you 3 fold.  Now not only do you hurt inside but you hurt on the outside too.  Therein lies the vicious cycle of cutting.  Many of us do it to say, "HELLO! I AM IN PAIN HERE!!!".  That is why I did it, and sometimes still do.  Sad as that may be.  The irony with a person like me, is that I then cover it up anyway because I don't want to look like a freak.  So where does it end?  It doesn't.  Unless you make the decision that it has to.  Never mind that your whole body looks like you have been thrown through a plate glass window, one of these days the guilt is going to take over, you are going to start cutting and NOT stop, and then what?  What if you don't come out of it?  

I am proud to say that I am self injury free since that horrible week in June, and this time I plan on staying that way.  I can't list off any specific coping mechanism's that help me in any way.  I will tell you this, picture yourself locked away from the outside world in a hospital full of maniacs and that will get you thinking just a bit clearer, believe me.  I know I never want to end up there again.  It's sad that at my age something like this could still be an issue, but you have to remember that everyone has a burden that they carry with them. You may not be able to see it, but know it is there and try to find it within you to be kind.