Two years ago this past May, I found myself
in the most frightening and dire predicament of my entire life: in a foreign
city - Las Vegas of all places - I was to be hospitalized on a psychiatric hold
(I prefer to say "Britney Speared" because it sounds more
interesting-slash-fabulous) against my will.
I can still feel the terror and uncertainty
of the moment. I can also still remember how numb and mostly dead from a
several day drug and alcohol binge in Sin City I was as the sudden realization
of the gravity of the situation overtook me and forced me to contemplate the
direction I was going in my life.
Here I was 40-years-old. And standing on a
ledge. Literally. I had just narrowly not jumped out of a window of the 26th
floor of a prominent casino. My mother - who has dementia and who was in
Phoenix totally unaware of where in Vegas I was I should point out - had
somehow found me and stopped my dramatic post Mariah Carey concert suicide
attempt and I was about to face the real music.
I'd like to say this was the first time I
was in a situation like this, but stuff like this was becoming pretty normal
for me in the months since my partner suddenly died in January 2014. It was
almost a bi-annual occurrence if I'm being honest. Still, I was determined to
make it my last. And soon I was given the diagnosis I needed to really make
sobriety essential to my life.
In the very hospital that I was forced into
at the rock bottom of my decent into drug addiction triggered by very real
complicated grief, I was given the diagnosis I needed to set all my demons
free.
I was told I was bi-polar.
I think the way it's supposed to go is that
when you get diagnosed with a life-altering illness that you're supposed to be
sad and go through a period of denial, bargaining, depression and anger - much
like the grief process - with it. But that just wasn't the case with this
diagnosis. I was overjoyed. I was happy. I was even excited.
You see, I finally had a name for
everything about myself I intuitively knew to be true. And that made me feel a
sense of relief that I hadn't ever felt in my entire troubled life. It also
made me realize perhaps the most important thing of all: I could no longer put
drugs and alcohol in my body that were only making me crazier. I had to take
care of myself. Now my health and well-being actually depended on it. Suddenly
I felt empowered. I decided to own this new truth about myself and make it work
for me. And that meant I had to completely change my life. So I did.
In that hospital I decided I was a
bi-polar, drug-addict, alcoholic widow. I figured that if I finally and
ultimately owned all the bad parts of me, I would no longer be undone and
ruined by them. And for the most part, I've found this to be true. I'm not
saying I'm perfect or even not bipolar - because that never goes away and it's
annoying when people think it's gone just because it has a name - but what I am
is sober, happy and for the most part, healthy. That's something that I want to
fight for. Because it feels good to know who and what I am and no one can ever
take that away from me again. And this is coming from someone who was bullied
and abused his entire life so that should prove how powerful this realization really
is.
Owning who and what I am is the single
greatest thing I have ever done. Because now that I am no longer ruled by fear
and shame, I am able to bask in a new reality of self love and positive
affirmation. The truth is for many years, I was afraid of you knowing all of
these things I am, so I did everything in my power to mask them and hide from
them. But I've learned through this whole journey that the very things in life
you are the most afraid of are the very things that bring the most growth. And
so, in not being afraid of who and what I am, I have been able to grow in to
the man of purpose and power that I am today. In facing my fears, I have become
the truest version of myself I ever have been. And that's a miracle no one can
take from me.
My wish for people reading this is that the
same will happen for you. I hope it happens before you are forced to like I was
back in that hotel room in Vegas. But however it happens, know that who and
what you are is not only beautiful, standing in that truth will help you
sparkle brighter than you ever thought possible.
Patrick A. Roland is an award-winning journalist, author and editor
with twenty-one years of mainstream media, specialty publication, corporate and
public relations experience. He currently lives in Phoenix, Arizona and he
celebrates his status as a bi-polar, drug addict, alcoholic widow because he is
now sober, happy and healthy. He hopes that by sharing his experiences and
strength with others, they will find hope in the way that he did.
Patrick's website is unpackedsparkle.com
You can find his book on Amazon: Unpacked Sparkle by Patrick A. Roland
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