Guest Post - Blog Interview - Erika Reva Memering

1)How old were you when you began to experience symptoms of mental illness?

Years into therapy at this point I now know I’ve experienced mental illness the entirety of my life. I am mentally and physically unwell... My first full memory of mental illness in myself is at age 5 when I first decided to attempt suicide.

At that age I would not have explained to you that I was suicidal, even now at age 31 I can’t fully define it that way. For me it was a decision. Unsettling things and discomforts were continuous in my life at that time (and for years after) but the decision to climb on the wooden toy box in my closet and use one of my fathers neck ties fit well within the chaos of my mind. The idea that his neck tie would easily be used to tie around my neck fit in my brain. I read about it. It was simple math to me. My neck wouldn’t break as I ascertained I likely did not weigh enough but strangulation didn’t seem so bad... I had experienced it before. The thought of that finality soothed my scattered brain and the chaos of being one thing in a moment and then something entirely different the next. Not having any recollection of those moments. I wasn’t hopeless. I wasn’t frightened. I was not in crisis. It was a simple, logical choice to me. I understood the decision I came to. There wasn’t this life and death debate in my head. I would no longer exist on the planet. The only problem I had with this was I would have been buried. I don’t much care for confined spaces. The decision was perfect. It was perfect to me and I struggle with my diagnosis of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) because many of my choices were altered or completely taken from me in every way. I am not suicidal, I was not suicidal. I chose not to live my life any more, but I was unaware I had DID so, like many others in my life, that decision was taken from me and despite the steps I followed to complete this task... Climbing the giant wooden toy box that held a creepy caged circus tiger with yellow eyes painted on the side, pulling the tie down from the back of the closet that had once held various textures that tickled my face when I hid back there. The tie was chosen and I made a knot and loop. Pulled it over my head and tied the other end of the bar that I knew would hold my weight because I had “come back” (from what I know now to be a dissociative episode) many times sitting and swinging from it. I tossed that tie over the bar tied a knot and stepped off my toy box. I remember the sensation being pleasant but... my parts were able to pull themselves up and unhook the tie that I chose to strangle myself with. Having DID had again saved (sort of) my life.

That is of course until I “woke up” years later and wasn’t entirely certain I was still among the living. An experience I have had so many times in life I can’t even put a count to it at this point.

2) Did you have support and seek treatment immediately? If not, why?

Of course not. I had no idea I had DID & wouldn’t know until my late 20’s. Help was never had. Bandaids of sorts were applied to problems I had. Endless prayers were given, but no actual help. Just some words cast into the atmosphere of the house, church or hospital we may have been at the time. But help? No, no help. No family member or relative of mine even knows that suicide attempt occurred. I would have been in trouble. My parts were very good at being “normal,” that is, of course, until they decided not to be or couldn’t be. 

I did not seek help for my problems until my late teens or early twenties. 

3) What would you tell your younger self knowing what you know now about mental illness?

Hmm... I would probably tell myself that you aren’t a sociopath. You will not kill people and you will choose correctly. Life will be difficult, you’ll hear and feel things but this does not make you insane, quite the opposite in fact.

4) What do you think are the biggest misconceptions those with mental illness have to face?

Well for those living with a dissociative Disorder, specifically DID, the misconception of villainy is a big one. My parts and myself did what we had to and could in order to survive and for the sake of others survival. It is immensely tricky to explain what that sort of thing does to a person long term but I am working on shedding light on these deeply troubling experiences and the fears people with DID have regarding speaking out.

5) How do you feel about the stigma surrounding mental illness?

Regarding mental illness in general, yes. There have been major strides in combatting stigma, but like many things in life people feel they deserve so much... With DID there seems to be two steps forward and eight steps back. We’re working on it though. One issue I take and the reason I do the advocacy work I stumbled into is if people with DID aren’t willing to cross that line of fear hatred doubts or whatever it may be that keeps them hidden people who don’t know any better will always assume movies like “Split” are representative of the entire DID community. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

If you complain create a solution or I’ve no desire to hear it. I am very capable of understanding the validity and fears of others in there complaining. I simply don’t have time for it. Which I am aware sounds harsh but my parts help with my empathy and humanity I myself seek solutions to problems. 

6) What do you do to get through the bad days?

It varies greatly. Bad days can be anything from not sleeping (which is our norm) to someone harming us. Night terrors, self harm, or being in a comatose state-of sorts. In short for bad days I work on identifying the problem whether it be a night terror, a triggering time of year etc and working through the problem. Therapy has helped but it’s up to us to do the work and up to me to take ownership and control when I’m able. It’s a tricky balance to find within oneself.

7) Do you have any projects that you’re working on that could benefit the mental health community?

Endless. On our blog we have a Living DID series ongoing. We interview people living with Dissociative Identity Disorder to get a better understanding of their individual life/lives. DID is a very individual disorder. While some never leave their residences others travel more than you could ever imagine. There are various reasons for this.

We’ve got our course, Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder & the LIVINGDID Talks. Both we go to clinicians, community leaders and most recently the Chicago Police Dept discussing what trauma looks like in different ages and development. As well as what DID will specifically look like. My goal for writing the course (7 weeks the far more in depth version of the talks which typically are 2hrs) is so the unfortunate generations of children who are currently developing the disorder will be able to get early intervention and real world help far faster than others of my generation.

I want there to be no need for someone like me. I want clinicians to understand they are far more likely to see a dissociative disorder than even schizophrenia and be able to work with it and help the person(s) through recovery. It is possible, at least it would be for everyone seeking help if psychologists & hospitals were more aware of it.

8. You can get ahold of us a few ways...

theweinmeblog@gmail.com

@TheWeinMe < Via Twitter

Theweinme.com < our blog 

Blog Interview - Caprice Montepara

1)How old were you when you began to experience symptoms of mental illness?

My earliest memory as a child of what I could term as mental illness symptoms now as an adult (because I understand them now), begun when my 22 year old brother, Massimo, passed away in a car accident in 1998. It was on the day of my Grade 2 Graduation. I was at my celebratory lunch with Mom and Gran, when we received the phone call from my Papa (he was at work). I was 8 years old. Massimo passed away 2 weeks before his birthday, and was finally moving to South Africa in 1999 to be with his family, and be partners with his friend in the restaurant industry here with us (Massimo resided in Spain). 

I remember a lot of talk about suicide. At that age, I did not even know what suicide meant, let alone depression or even anxiety. Although, I have always suffered from anxiety from a very young age. I think it may have been brought to the surface and amplified after losing my brother because I began to change.

2) Did you have support and seek treatment immediately? If not, why?

Once my parents noticed the behavioural changes, they took immediate action.

My parents are the most wonderful loving parents anyone could ever ask for. I saw a psychologist for a few years, maybe 5 or 6 years, just before I turned 14 and started high school. I remember mentioning the word suicide to my Mom after Massimo passed and she said why would you want to do that? My response was always the same, I wanted to be with my brother again. This is something that really frightened my parents. Hence, the psychologist, who was amazing too.

3) What would you tell your younger self knowing what you know now about mental illness?
It is strange because in some ways, I knew I was not accepted, I did not fit in, I was beyond shy and an introvert. It became worse when my Mom was diagnosed with Lupus in 1997 when I was 7 years old. I almost lost her. My Mom is my world. Then a year later I lost Massimo.

I would have to really sit with my younger self, as if I was in a therapy session, and explain the ways in which these traumas play a role in your early stages of development, what they mean, how they change the functionality and neuroplasticity of your brain, and obviously how harmful it can be if you are not around the right people and internalize all your feelings.

Furthermore, I would have warned myself about the dangers that lie ahead which assisssted in my self-destructive phase for years. I would have loved to have said to my younger self, "Change schools immediately and keep the lines of communication open between you, your parents and your psychologist."

4) What do you think are the biggest misconceptions those with mental
illness have to face?

Ignorance, shame and guilt. To me, it is all of these wrapped up into 1 word, ignorance. It reminds me of believing in a higher power. Let's say for instance, for the purpose of this discussion, God. You have to have faith in order to believe in something you cannot see. The same applies to mental illness. 

Firstly, let me just say, I have my parents. They are my best friends as well. I do not actually have friends, except for 1 friend who lives in Portugal. But when people heard that I had broken my ribs 4 weeks ago, it was a totally different ball game. I received messages of concern and interest and the usual, “can we do anything to help you?” They showed a "genuine" interest. 

The more I spoke about my first visit to rehab in February 2017, the more I realised that my "friends" began to shy away from me; for want of a better word. I relapsed 23 November 2017, 3 days before Massimo's anniversary, and my best friend of 13 years cut me out of her life because I could not make it to her farewell lunch. I was so ill, going through withdrawals by myself without medical assistance, which is not easy. I would far rather have a broken bone. I was by my best friend's side throughout her Mom's battle with cancer, which she unfortunately lost. But when my best friend derailed after her Mom's death, I was there to support her for months until she immigrated.

This is my point; ignorance. People cannot believe in something they cannot see. If there's no cast on your arm, there is nothing wrong with you. If you are not hooked up to machines and central lines, people do not “see” you. So when we have our manic depressive days, weeks or even months, people drop you without giving you a second thought. And that's the end of you in their lives. You just become a figment of their imagination. If you are even that lucky.

5) How do you feel about the stigma surrounding mental illness?

Ashamed, dirty, disgusted, angry, heartbroken, depressed. Rehabilitation brought me to my knees, literally and figuratively. I just did not realise what was waiting for me on the other side. That is something the counsellors do not prepare you for. Well, that was my experience.

The whispers, blocking you from social media, not responding to your texts, no visits, phone calls becoming less and less. The hardest blows I took were from my half brother, his wife, daughter, and another family member. My half brother and his family have not spoken to me since my admission into rehab. I use to babysit my niece on weekends and treat her like a little princess. They have totally cut me off.

Another stigma is job applications. A family member told me that this will follow me around for the rest of my life and tarnish my reputation in the corporate world of business. Also, I have struggled to complete my Masters qualification in Strategic Communication over the last 3 years because of concentration, fatigue, and a host of other issues. Now, people consider me as lazy and disinterested in my studies. Yet, being an academic is who I am. It is the only thing I am good at.

June 2017 I got engaged to someone who I was dating before I went into rehab. He did not know I had a problem until I obviously told him. I was so serious about the relationship that I made it my mission to become sober to be with him. Then he proposed in June 2017, and his family thought it was a joke. His Mom actually laughed in my face and still said to him quietly on the side, "What do we do with her if she relapses again?"  So I called the engagement off. No one was willing to stand up for me, support me, not even my fiancé.

6) What do you do to get through the bad days?

Honestly, I cry. A LOT. I completely disassociate myself from the world. I will not go out for weeks. Sometimes I take medication that I should not be taking just to get by. I isolate myself in my room and binge watch series or movies. Sometimes I will not eat for weeks, other times I will binge on junk food. I am at war within the 4 walls of my own mind all day, everyday. 

Sometimes I listen to very sad music, or rock music to release the anger and frustration.

Sleep plays a vital role because of my insomnia, it can cause unbearable days. Sometimes I can go for 2 weeks without even so much as an hour of sleep. Once I feel stronger and ready to talk about my feelings and mindset, I talk to my Mom and Papa and contact my psychologist as well. 

 I do watch good videos on YouTube as well, such as Dr Caroline Leaf. I am currently reading her book, The Perfect You. I am also slowly finding more podcasts I can listen to and blogs to read from the Twitter community. It is a slow process because there is a lot to get through.

7) Do you have any projects that you’re working on that could benefit the mental health community?

No, not at all. I have only recently been labelled as an addict; I guess a year for me is recent because the label was an introduction into a whole new world and lifestyle. I am now trying to recover, heal and become clean. As well as dealing with the stigmas attached. It is like starting life all over again in some strange way.

I have recently discovered the mental health community on Twitter who have been so supportive, besides my parents obviously. 

8) Please give us some of your social media screen names in case
someone wants to get a hold of you.

I only have Twitter and LinkedIn:

Twitter: @6_caprice_9 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/caprice-m-20b1b840