Blog Interview - Caprice Montepara

1)How old were you when you began to experience symptoms of mental illness?

My earliest memory as a child of what I could term as mental illness symptoms now as an adult (because I understand them now), begun when my 22 year old brother, Massimo, passed away in a car accident in 1998. It was on the day of my Grade 2 Graduation. I was at my celebratory lunch with Mom and Gran, when we received the phone call from my Papa (he was at work). I was 8 years old. Massimo passed away 2 weeks before his birthday, and was finally moving to South Africa in 1999 to be with his family, and be partners with his friend in the restaurant industry here with us (Massimo resided in Spain). 

I remember a lot of talk about suicide. At that age, I did not even know what suicide meant, let alone depression or even anxiety. Although, I have always suffered from anxiety from a very young age. I think it may have been brought to the surface and amplified after losing my brother because I began to change.

2) Did you have support and seek treatment immediately? If not, why?

Once my parents noticed the behavioural changes, they took immediate action.

My parents are the most wonderful loving parents anyone could ever ask for. I saw a psychologist for a few years, maybe 5 or 6 years, just before I turned 14 and started high school. I remember mentioning the word suicide to my Mom after Massimo passed and she said why would you want to do that? My response was always the same, I wanted to be with my brother again. This is something that really frightened my parents. Hence, the psychologist, who was amazing too.

3) What would you tell your younger self knowing what you know now about mental illness?
It is strange because in some ways, I knew I was not accepted, I did not fit in, I was beyond shy and an introvert. It became worse when my Mom was diagnosed with Lupus in 1997 when I was 7 years old. I almost lost her. My Mom is my world. Then a year later I lost Massimo.

I would have to really sit with my younger self, as if I was in a therapy session, and explain the ways in which these traumas play a role in your early stages of development, what they mean, how they change the functionality and neuroplasticity of your brain, and obviously how harmful it can be if you are not around the right people and internalize all your feelings.

Furthermore, I would have warned myself about the dangers that lie ahead which assisssted in my self-destructive phase for years. I would have loved to have said to my younger self, "Change schools immediately and keep the lines of communication open between you, your parents and your psychologist."

4) What do you think are the biggest misconceptions those with mental
illness have to face?

Ignorance, shame and guilt. To me, it is all of these wrapped up into 1 word, ignorance. It reminds me of believing in a higher power. Let's say for instance, for the purpose of this discussion, God. You have to have faith in order to believe in something you cannot see. The same applies to mental illness. 

Firstly, let me just say, I have my parents. They are my best friends as well. I do not actually have friends, except for 1 friend who lives in Portugal. But when people heard that I had broken my ribs 4 weeks ago, it was a totally different ball game. I received messages of concern and interest and the usual, “can we do anything to help you?” They showed a "genuine" interest. 

The more I spoke about my first visit to rehab in February 2017, the more I realised that my "friends" began to shy away from me; for want of a better word. I relapsed 23 November 2017, 3 days before Massimo's anniversary, and my best friend of 13 years cut me out of her life because I could not make it to her farewell lunch. I was so ill, going through withdrawals by myself without medical assistance, which is not easy. I would far rather have a broken bone. I was by my best friend's side throughout her Mom's battle with cancer, which she unfortunately lost. But when my best friend derailed after her Mom's death, I was there to support her for months until she immigrated.

This is my point; ignorance. People cannot believe in something they cannot see. If there's no cast on your arm, there is nothing wrong with you. If you are not hooked up to machines and central lines, people do not “see” you. So when we have our manic depressive days, weeks or even months, people drop you without giving you a second thought. And that's the end of you in their lives. You just become a figment of their imagination. If you are even that lucky.

5) How do you feel about the stigma surrounding mental illness?

Ashamed, dirty, disgusted, angry, heartbroken, depressed. Rehabilitation brought me to my knees, literally and figuratively. I just did not realise what was waiting for me on the other side. That is something the counsellors do not prepare you for. Well, that was my experience.

The whispers, blocking you from social media, not responding to your texts, no visits, phone calls becoming less and less. The hardest blows I took were from my half brother, his wife, daughter, and another family member. My half brother and his family have not spoken to me since my admission into rehab. I use to babysit my niece on weekends and treat her like a little princess. They have totally cut me off.

Another stigma is job applications. A family member told me that this will follow me around for the rest of my life and tarnish my reputation in the corporate world of business. Also, I have struggled to complete my Masters qualification in Strategic Communication over the last 3 years because of concentration, fatigue, and a host of other issues. Now, people consider me as lazy and disinterested in my studies. Yet, being an academic is who I am. It is the only thing I am good at.

June 2017 I got engaged to someone who I was dating before I went into rehab. He did not know I had a problem until I obviously told him. I was so serious about the relationship that I made it my mission to become sober to be with him. Then he proposed in June 2017, and his family thought it was a joke. His Mom actually laughed in my face and still said to him quietly on the side, "What do we do with her if she relapses again?"  So I called the engagement off. No one was willing to stand up for me, support me, not even my fiancé.

6) What do you do to get through the bad days?

Honestly, I cry. A LOT. I completely disassociate myself from the world. I will not go out for weeks. Sometimes I take medication that I should not be taking just to get by. I isolate myself in my room and binge watch series or movies. Sometimes I will not eat for weeks, other times I will binge on junk food. I am at war within the 4 walls of my own mind all day, everyday. 

Sometimes I listen to very sad music, or rock music to release the anger and frustration.

Sleep plays a vital role because of my insomnia, it can cause unbearable days. Sometimes I can go for 2 weeks without even so much as an hour of sleep. Once I feel stronger and ready to talk about my feelings and mindset, I talk to my Mom and Papa and contact my psychologist as well. 

 I do watch good videos on YouTube as well, such as Dr Caroline Leaf. I am currently reading her book, The Perfect You. I am also slowly finding more podcasts I can listen to and blogs to read from the Twitter community. It is a slow process because there is a lot to get through.

7) Do you have any projects that you’re working on that could benefit the mental health community?

No, not at all. I have only recently been labelled as an addict; I guess a year for me is recent because the label was an introduction into a whole new world and lifestyle. I am now trying to recover, heal and become clean. As well as dealing with the stigmas attached. It is like starting life all over again in some strange way.

I have recently discovered the mental health community on Twitter who have been so supportive, besides my parents obviously. 

8) Please give us some of your social media screen names in case
someone wants to get a hold of you.

I only have Twitter and LinkedIn:

Twitter: @6_caprice_9 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/caprice-m-20b1b840