Years into therapy at this point I now know I’ve experienced mental illness the entirety of my life. I am mentally and physically unwell... My first full memory of mental illness in myself is at age 5 when I first decided to attempt suicide.
At that age I would not have explained to you that I was suicidal, even now at age 31 I can’t fully define it that way. For me it was a decision. Unsettling things and discomforts were continuous in my life at that time (and for years after) but the decision to climb on the wooden toy box in my closet and use one of my fathers neck ties fit well within the chaos of my mind. The idea that his neck tie would easily be used to tie around my neck fit in my brain. I read about it. It was simple math to me. My neck wouldn’t break as I ascertained I likely did not weigh enough but strangulation didn’t seem so bad... I had experienced it before. The thought of that finality soothed my scattered brain and the chaos of being one thing in a moment and then something entirely different the next. Not having any recollection of those moments. I wasn’t hopeless. I wasn’t frightened. I was not in crisis. It was a simple, logical choice to me. I understood the decision I came to. There wasn’t this life and death debate in my head. I would no longer exist on the planet. The only problem I had with this was I would have been buried. I don’t much care for confined spaces. The decision was perfect. It was perfect to me and I struggle with my diagnosis of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) because many of my choices were altered or completely taken from me in every way. I am not suicidal, I was not suicidal. I chose not to live my life any more, but I was unaware I had DID so, like many others in my life, that decision was taken from me and despite the steps I followed to complete this task... Climbing the giant wooden toy box that held a creepy caged circus tiger with yellow eyes painted on the side, pulling the tie down from the back of the closet that had once held various textures that tickled my face when I hid back there. The tie was chosen and I made a knot and loop. Pulled it over my head and tied the other end of the bar that I knew would hold my weight because I had “come back” (from what I know now to be a dissociative episode) many times sitting and swinging from it. I tossed that tie over the bar tied a knot and stepped off my toy box. I remember the sensation being pleasant but... my parts were able to pull themselves up and unhook the tie that I chose to strangle myself with. Having DID had again saved (sort of) my life.
That is of course until I “woke up” years later and wasn’t entirely certain I was still among the living. An experience I have had so many times in life I can’t even put a count to it at this point.
2) Did you have support and seek treatment immediately? If not, why?
Of course not. I had no idea I had DID & wouldn’t know until my late 20’s. Help was never had. Bandaids of sorts were applied to problems I had. Endless prayers were given, but no actual help. Just some words cast into the atmosphere of the house, church or hospital we may have been at the time. But help? No, no help. No family member or relative of mine even knows that suicide attempt occurred. I would have been in trouble. My parts were very good at being “normal,” that is, of course, until they decided not to be or couldn’t be.
Of course not. I had no idea I had DID & wouldn’t know until my late 20’s. Help was never had. Bandaids of sorts were applied to problems I had. Endless prayers were given, but no actual help. Just some words cast into the atmosphere of the house, church or hospital we may have been at the time. But help? No, no help. No family member or relative of mine even knows that suicide attempt occurred. I would have been in trouble. My parts were very good at being “normal,” that is, of course, until they decided not to be or couldn’t be.
I did not seek help for my problems until my late teens or early twenties.
3) What would you tell your younger self knowing what you know now about mental
illness?
Hmm... I would probably tell myself that you aren’t a sociopath. You will not kill people and you will choose correctly. Life will be difficult, you’ll hear and feel things but this does not make you insane, quite the opposite in fact.
Hmm... I would probably tell myself that you aren’t a sociopath. You will not kill people and you will choose correctly. Life will be difficult, you’ll hear and feel things but this does not make you insane, quite the opposite in fact.
4) What do you think are the biggest misconceptions those with mental illness have to face?
Well for those living with a dissociative Disorder, specifically DID, the misconception of villainy is a big one. My parts and myself did what we had to and could in order to survive and for the sake of others survival. It is immensely tricky to explain what that sort of thing does to a person long term but I am working on shedding light on these deeply troubling experiences and the fears people with DID have regarding speaking out.
Well for those living with a dissociative Disorder, specifically DID, the misconception of villainy is a big one. My parts and myself did what we had to and could in order to survive and for the sake of others survival. It is immensely tricky to explain what that sort of thing does to a person long term but I am working on shedding light on these deeply troubling experiences and the fears people with DID have regarding speaking out.
5) How do you feel about the stigma surrounding mental illness?
Regarding mental illness in general, yes. There have been major strides in combatting stigma, but like many things in life people feel they deserve so much... With DID there seems to be two steps forward and eight steps back. We’re working on it though. One issue I take and the reason I do the advocacy work I stumbled into is if people with DID aren’t willing to cross that line of fear hatred doubts or whatever it may be that keeps them hidden people who don’t know any better will always assume movies like “Split” are representative of the entire DID community. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Regarding mental illness in general, yes. There have been major strides in combatting stigma, but like many things in life people feel they deserve so much... With DID there seems to be two steps forward and eight steps back. We’re working on it though. One issue I take and the reason I do the advocacy work I stumbled into is if people with DID aren’t willing to cross that line of fear hatred doubts or whatever it may be that keeps them hidden people who don’t know any better will always assume movies like “Split” are representative of the entire DID community. Nothing could be further from the truth.
If you complain create a solution or I’ve no desire to hear it. I am very capable of understanding the validity and fears of others in there complaining. I simply don’t have time for it. Which I am aware sounds harsh but my parts help with my empathy and humanity I myself seek solutions to problems.
6) What do you do to get through the bad days?
It varies greatly. Bad days can be anything from not sleeping (which is our norm) to someone harming us. Night terrors, self harm, or being in a comatose state-of sorts. In short for bad days I work on identifying the problem whether it be a night terror, a triggering time of year etc and working through the problem. Therapy has helped but it’s up to us to do the work and up to me to take ownership and control when I’m able. It’s a tricky balance to find within oneself.
7) Do you have any projects that you’re working on that could benefit the mental health community?
Endless. On our blog we have a Living DID series ongoing. We interview people living with Dissociative Identity Disorder to get a better understanding of their individual life/lives. DID is a very individual disorder. While some never leave their residences others travel more than you could ever imagine. There are various reasons for this.
We’ve got our course, Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder & the LIVINGDID Talks. Both we go to clinicians, community leaders and most recently the Chicago Police Dept discussing what trauma looks like in different ages and development. As well as what DID will specifically look like. My goal for writing the course (7 weeks the far more in depth version of the talks which typically are 2hrs) is so the unfortunate generations of children who are currently developing the disorder will be able to get early intervention and real world help far faster than others of my generation.
I want there to be no need for someone like me. I want clinicians to understand they are far more likely to see a dissociative disorder than even schizophrenia and be able to work with it and help the person(s) through recovery. It is possible, at least it would be for everyone seeking help if psychologists & hospitals were more aware of it.
8. You can get ahold of us a few ways...
@TheWeinMe < Via Twitter
Theweinme.com < our blog
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