I am angry. Let me say that again, I AM ANGRY. It repeats over and over again in my brain until it consumes me. This is the type of anger that is so fierce, it’s almost as if you can see it. You can certainly feel it. Carrying it around as I do every single day, it now seems like a part of me. Like another limb. I could sit around for days and list what I have to be angry about.
I don’t intend on doing that. At least, at this point and time I don’t.
I have a struggle going on inside of my brain nearly 24 hours a day. The part of me that is desperately trying to find sense in all of these emotions keeps attempting to tell the other part of me to stop thinking about it. You have this or that to be grateful for. The anger has just grown too strong. For every positive, there are 10 negatives and the common sense is beaten down until it can’t fight anymore.
I’ve tried to reach out, to give my feelings words, to explain myself. This isn’t helping. It’s not even scratching the surface. The worst part is, for a brief moment I can tell myself, this isn’t the time of year for this. Try to find some joy in the season. You know what that does for me? Makes me positively irate. For the reasons I feel this way and the people who have brought me down to their level.
I’m not a stupid person. I understand that if you wake up every single day feeling overwhelmed with anger, you are not going to be able to make your life or anyone else’s life the least bit pleasant. That is the dilemma I face. I’ve been mad before, furious even. This is so different. There is a physical pain on the inside of me that just makes me want to scream as loud as I can until it’s finally gone.
I don’t have a therapist. This blog is my therapist. Even if I did see a therapist, I doubt I would receive much relief at this point. I am too stuck in the “Yeah….but…..” stage of it all. If you come at me with a response, no matter how logical, I am going to yeah but you to death until you give up from sheer exhaustion.
The feelings I have now make me understand revenge. That need that builds up inside of you. You can’t stop thinking about the desired target, or what you’ll do once you finally stand face to face with it. My problem is, I am pretty well convinced that my target is my life. I could backtrack and pinpoint certain people in my life. Exacting revenge against them would surely be sweet, but that is just not the kind of person I am. All I am saying is that I get it. I understand the desire.
With no answers in sight and the number of questions growing by the day, I know I have to find a way out of this. My usual “coping skills”, which are not really coping skills at all, are no longer an option for me. As I pat myself on the back for finding the courage to not turn to the darkest place I know, I find myself once again back where I started. If it wasn’t for this, that or the other thing, I wouldn’t even have those thoughts.
Of all the cycles I have seen in my life, this is by far the most vicious. I know that I have got to find a way to stop it. Each time I write, I try to find a silver lining of sorts. If not that, I attempt to come to a conclusion that could possibly help me. This is all that I have to offer: I am aware that this anger is eating away at me, at my life, at my happiness. I will strive to do whatever I can to simply let it go. However painful the process will be, I know that I can make it through it.
I would take a moment now to wish you all a happy holiday season, but I know that it won’t sound sincere. Not in my current state of mind. Know that while I may not be filled with joy and good tidings, I do appreciate each and every one of you that has taken the time to read even one of my posts this year. I hope you will continue to read them, but even if you don’t return again, know that I thank you. You are what keeps me going.