Thursday, July 23, 2015

Reality

As much as I’ve tried to remain positive and focus on the good, I’ve reached a point where I just have to try to be realistic.  I am experiencing a myriad of emotions every day.  There are times when I can put two and two together and know for certain that this or that is the trigger.  We're all living in a world where nobody is quite what they seem, and things never go the way they were planned.  However, I think it’s more than just the average highs and lows of an otherwise normal life. 

It’s time to get to the doctor and have a talk about medication.  I’ve been on the same medications for several years now, and I am noticing that I’m not getting the same benefits that I was at the beginning.  I’m not sleeping at night.  I mean, at all.  Even though I’ve always been a night person, the sadness and the loneliness is kicking my ass right now.  I know my husband loves me unconditionally, but having to sit up all night alone, feeling sad is very painful.  Having to spend the following day and into the evening alone is even worse. 

While it is true, there are many people that can say that they are away from their spouse more than they would like, I take it especially hard.  I know that I have friends, and I love them all.  However, I don’t have that one special person that I can call or text every day that knows me inside and out.  A close friend that can just come on over and give me a kick in the ass and get me laughing again.  Which I guess explains why at times I am irrationally attached to my cats.  At any given time, I can look around, and at least one of them is there for me. They are a constant source of joy and amusement. 

My anxiety has reached an all-time high, the racing thoughts are consistent, and I’m beginning to feel an overwhelming amount of sadness.  It wouldn’t be entirely far-fetched for someone to be literally standing here waving a red flag in my face.  I’m not stupid, I know where I’m headed.  The downward spiral is just around the corner, and now that I have finally begun to recognize the warning signs, I am determined to do whatever I can to keep it from happening.

So, tomorrow we’ll call the doctor and see about getting an appointment.  As much as I hate trips to the doctor, it’s a necessary evil.  It’s time for me to start practicing what I preach.  I was on Twitter last night helping this girl deal with some issues she was facing.  Each time I hit send, the thought crossed my mind, this all sounds vaguely familiar.  Maybe you should take your own advice, moron.  It’s always easier to offer advice than it is to follow it. 

For now, I’ll hope for the best but expect the worst.  I think I owe it to myself to have a few “me” days where I just worry about putting the pieces back together.  Disappointment is lurking around every turn, and you can’t always rely on or even trust what you feel may be a sure thing.  So, first and foremost make sure you’re OK.  It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about the other people in your life.  It just means that you’re smart enough to know that now and then, it’s OK to be just a little selfish. 


Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Changes

My life has undergone many changes since I started this blog in 2013. Some of them have been devastating and made me feel like throwing in the towel.  Others have been wonderful, positive additions to my life that I continue to be grateful for.  Either way, I know that I am growing as a person. I can see the difference in myself, and I know that others around me can as well.

If you're new to this blog, know that there were posts before this. However, with help from my husband, the readers, and an amazing publisher I’m turning those chapters of my life into a book.  

It will be out soon, so keep watching.  If you have been reading my blog all along, I would first like to say THANK YOU.  You have no idea the impact that you have had on my life.  Whether you commented or not, you have made me feel like I can face this disease head on while continuing to help others.  

When I look back on the last few months, I can say that I've been doing pretty well.  Most of my episodes of depression have been relatively brief, and the good days outweigh the bad.  I've noticed lately, however, that I have fallen back into the routine of not being able to fall asleep until very late at night, and feeling horrible when I finally wake up the next day.  If you add to that concern for my aging father, my own physical ailments, and the terrifying experience of having one of our cats get sick, I'm feeling rather down.  

I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders right now.  Truthfully, it isn't anything that I normally wouldn't be able to handle, but I've got a few things stacked up against me; lack of sleep being number one.  Anyone that deals with Bipolar disorder on a regular basis knows that it often feels like you're walking across an unstable bridge that is swinging back and forth while you're trying to steady your pace.  

Something else I've noticed that I didn’t entirely expect is an overwhelming sense of sadness reading through my previous posts. Don't get me wrong, writing about all of my struggles has helped me immensely, but it has also made me have to relive them on a fairly regular basis.  At times, it's causing nightmares and flashbacks. However this makes me feel, I plan on accepting that this is all just a part of the process and will pass.  I can't let something like that keep me from my goals.  I have spent far too much of my life wishing that things could be different. I finally have a chance at a dream I've had for decades, and I'm moving full steam ahead.  

Now that I am finally free to tell the world that I am an Author, I plan on shouting it from the rooftops.  Shortly, I will be a Published Author. Now is the time for me to try to focus on all of the positivity that could come from the changes I have made, and try desperately not to let myself get in the way.  

I've worked too hard and too long to have it any other way.