As much as I’ve tried to remain positive and focus on the good, I’ve reached a point where I just have to try to be realistic. I am experiencing a myriad of emotions every day. There are times when I can put two and two together and know for certain that this or that is the trigger. We're all living in a world where nobody is quite what they seem, and things never go the way they were planned. However, I think it’s more than just the average highs and lows of an otherwise normal life.
It’s time to get to the doctor and have a talk about medication. I’ve been on the same medications for several years now, and I am noticing that I’m not getting the same benefits that I was at the beginning. I’m not sleeping at night. I mean, at all. Even though I’ve always been a night person, the sadness and the loneliness is kicking my ass right now. I know my husband loves me unconditionally, but having to sit up all night alone, feeling sad is very painful. Having to spend the following day and into the evening alone is even worse.
While it is true, there are many people that can say that they are away from their spouse more than they would like, I take it especially hard. I know that I have friends, and I love them all. However, I don’t have that one special person that I can call or text every day that knows me inside and out. A close friend that can just come on over and give me a kick in the ass and get me laughing again. Which I guess explains why at times I am irrationally attached to my cats. At any given time, I can look around, and at least one of them is there for me. They are a constant source of joy and amusement.
My anxiety has reached an all-time high, the racing thoughts are consistent, and I’m beginning to feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. It wouldn’t be entirely far-fetched for someone to be literally standing here waving a red flag in my face. I’m not stupid, I know where I’m headed. The downward spiral is just around the corner, and now that I have finally begun to recognize the warning signs, I am determined to do whatever I can to keep it from happening.
So, tomorrow we’ll call the doctor and see about getting an appointment. As much as I hate trips to the doctor, it’s a necessary evil. It’s time for me to start practicing what I preach. I was on Twitter last night helping this girl deal with some issues she was facing. Each time I hit send, the thought crossed my mind, this all sounds vaguely familiar. Maybe you should take your own advice, moron. It’s always easier to offer advice than it is to follow it.
For now, I’ll hope for the best but expect the worst. I think I owe it to myself to have a few “me” days where I just worry about putting the pieces back together. Disappointment is lurking around every turn, and you can’t always rely on or even trust what you feel may be a sure thing. So, first and foremost make sure you’re OK. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about the other people in your life. It just means that you’re smart enough to know that now and then, it’s OK to be just a little selfish.