I’m in a good place right now. It isn’t often that I get to say that, and certainly never out loud. When most people get up in the morning feeling good, they understand that they’re in a good mood, and never give it a second thought. Most people never have to stop to wonder, they just know. There’s a part of me that will always question whether or not I am heading into a manic episode, otherwise known as mania.
I’m laughing a lot, sometimes at nonsensical things. I’m staying up too late, walking around singing, and reminiscing about the good old days. Quite possibly, I am in denial about a few things too. I’m getting a lot done during the day, and I seem to have a lot of energy out of nowhere.
Mania is defined as - mental illness marked by periods of great excitement, euphoria, delusions, and over-activity. I know for certain a few of those apply to me at this point. So, the question remains…should I continue to question where I’m at, because inevitably there will be a crash, or do I just go with it, and enjoy the ride?
How I wish I didn’t have to spend every day of my life interpreting my own moods, and trying to plan for the possibilities. Yet, this is my life and like it or not, these are the cards I’ve been dealt. It’s the crash I fear most of all. There’s no considering if it will happen, only when and how badly. As my thoughts begin to race, I have more and more trouble focusing on the task at hand.
Someday perhaps very soon, I will find myself deep in the depths of despair. I don’t mean to sound as if I am dwelling on that eventuality, but I must force myself to be realistic and prepare for the worst. I worry the most for my husband, who has been able to reap the benefits of my heightened mood, but will also suffer the consequences of my depression. What a tangled web this disease weaves. Being happy but not being able to enjoy the happiness? Well, that’s borderline ridiculous. Sometimes being so self-aware is a curse in itself.
Today I can safely say that while I know in my heart that I have entered a state of mania, I truly and wholeheartedly fear for my future. I will push those feelings to the back of my mind once again, and just hope. Sometimes that is all I have to hold onto is hope.
I will continue to be optimistic about what 2015 holds for me, but at the same time I am guarded. This could be one of the worst years of my life, or it could be a great year. It simply depends on the sequence of events. I won’t attempt to predict the future. For now, I will continue to live my life the best I know how, and try my best not to be so hard on myself.