Friday, June 3, 2016

Too Good to Be True?


Just days after receiving some really good news, are you supposed to feel like a deflated balloon? Should you be terrified that you can’t possibly handle the responsibility?  I’ve been screwed over before. I’ve been left hanging for weeks, sometimes months on end. My brain has the speech memorized, this isn’t going to happen, there’s been a mistake, and we don’t want you after all.

I hate feeling like everything I touch turns to crap. I’ve lost that elated feeling I had upon hearing such fabulous news. Just in case you missed it, I received an email asking that I become a Huffington Post contributor. This is amazing news, right? Then why am I sitting here expecting the worst? I was told that an editor would be contacting me to give me further instructions. That hasn’t happened yet. It’s been TWO days, and I already can’t breathe just thinking about why it’s taking so long.

What a horrible personality trait. I just can’t seem to shake it. If I'm honest, though, how many times have people shown me that they can be trusted? It happens very rarely, and that is unfortunate because if something doesn’t go exactly as I thought it would, I immediately assume that I’ve done something wrong and lost my opportunity.

Am I putting too much pressure on myself? I can’t possibly control the outcome in this situation, but my brain doesn’t differentiate between things I can’t control and things I can. It’s going to race from scenario to scenario, none of them good.  I was thinking today about the hoarding epidemic. It occurred to me…I’m a hoarder in a sense.  At least my brain is a hoarder. Every awful scenario that has ever taken place in my life is stored up there. If something seems to be going well, I can always trust my brain to offer up that proverbial "other shoe" just to discourage any possible thoughts of success.

I’ve tried to open my mind and let go of all of it. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen. I hate mental illness. I hate that I even have to have this conversation with myself. I long to say, just be happy about something for once!

I wish I knew how to overcome this intense feeling of dread. I’m constantly telling myself that getting hysterical about this situation will neither make it happen faster nor change the outcome. So, why do I still want to sleep away the day, so I don’t have to think about it? 

I’ll get by no matter what happens. Everything that has been thrown at me up until now, I stuck my glove out and caught it. Sure, sometimes I bobbled a little, but I always came out on the other side. I think knowing that is the only thing that is keeping me from completely losing control of my emotions.

It was the end of June in 2013 that I last attempted suicide. I still get a lump in my throat when I consider what the outcome might have been. So, perhaps it’s the impending anniversary of that horrible time that has me down. When you’re already in a dark place, it’s hard to find anything to illuminate the situation. I think I’m most frustrated because my normal coping skills/tactics aren’t helping me right now.

If you’re feeling as if you can’t even handle the small stuff by taking baby steps to get there, you certainly can’t deal with the big stuff.  Imagine you have a broken chain and flat tires on your bike. It depends on your outlook on things, but perhaps you decide to fix the tires first because that seems like the easier task. For whatever reason if you can’t even conjure up the strength to deal with the easy part and get air in the tires, how are you going to move on to the hard stuff, like the chain?

It may seem like a strange analogy, but it is true.  

When it’s all said and done, I have no choice but to busy myself with other things until I receive further instructions. So, I’m going to watch a movie, cuddle with my cats, and finish writing this blog. Now I can say I got one thing accomplished despite all of the turmoil. There are always going to be days where I can’t find the silver lining, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure. At least I keep looking, right?