ASK A DIFFERENT QUESTION: ADVICE FROM BEHIND THE MASK
Life continues to teach me that you only get the answers to
the questions you ask. I‘ve learned that
lesson that in familiar ways, like raising teens. I’ve learned it as a news reporter and
interviewer.
And I’ve learned it in a
deeply-painful way, married to man who kept many secrets.
You can be a breath away from truth, from deeper understanding
or a major shift -- but you never think of, or voice That One Question. And you
move on making judgements and reaching conclusions based on the information you’ve
gathered, blissfully unaware that it is limited. Very. Always.
I was reminded of that lesson recently as read one of those
self-administered depression diagnostic tests.
As I glanced over the questions I came across the critical one, the question
I was trained to ask when I volunteered at a crisis hotline: Are you suicidal? And I immediately answered it in my head the
way I always have; No. No, I am not suicidal.
And even when discussing the issue with trained professionals, that
2-letter answer pretty much ends the discussion. That box is checked. Liability is limited. Next question, please.
But if you want a revealing peak behind the mask of someone
who hides depression, try asking it another way.
Ask your friend or relative or client or self: “Do you find yourself thinking of death as a
welcome relief?” It’s a very different question which, for me and I suspect many
others with depression, has a very different answer.
I first remember thinking I wouldn’t mind dying (painlessly
and in my sleep, of course) in high school.
Those are tough years for lots of people, and they certainly were for
me. While my friends with (what looked like) more-normal, secure and carefree
lives skied and partied and vacationed, I was wearing a full-body brace,
working several jobs to pay for school and navigating a volatile home
environment, all while pretending everything was well, as was clearly expected
of me.
Adult life has brought its own painful challenges, as it
tends to do. I’ll spare you the gory details. But due to environmental,
biochemical, hormonal and/or hereditary reason(s), my brain can grab hold of
the negative emotion I am feeling (betrayal, grief, fear, etc.) and blow on it
like an ember until a full fire rages, convincing me that death would be far
easier than soldiering through more, seemingly-unending pain. I know it’s not a
popular or a comfortable thing to say or even read, but I would bet the ranch
that other people who house the uninvited guest-that-is-depression know exactly
what I mean.
Don’t get me wrong, I have experienced extreme joy, deep
love and a true sense of purpose in my life, too. My children alone make every
breath work taking. It is absolutely not by choice that I have such dark
thoughts! You see, in addition to being prone to depression, I am an
optimistic, easy-going, loving, funny, independent, resourcesful, creative,
intelligent woman with a big heart and easy laugh.
That is how people know me. And it is also a primary reason why I have
gotten so little support through The Dark Times.
Now, I feel I must repeat; I do not, nor have I ever planned
or even seriously contemplated taking my own life. But. If a life-switch existed that allowed me
to walk over and flip it to “off” with the assurance that the people I love the most in the
world would be in no way negatively affected, I’d have done it. No doubt.
And that is why, if you are trying to diagnose an immediate
threat of suicide, by all means ask the questions on the questionnaire. Be blunt and ask if someone has a plan and the
means. I posed those very questions more than a few times to callers on the
hotline. But if your intent is getting
inside someone’s head enough to have even a chance of understanding what
they’re struggling with, ask a question that could start a conversation vs. one
that solely assesses risk. If they’re
willing to share, it could help them lighten an unbearable load, while giving you
valuable, hidden information that would help you better diagnose, support and
understand a person who desperately needs and wants to feel understood and
supported.
Terry is the founder and president of Giving Voice to Mental
Illness, Inc. which produces the Giving Voice to Depression podcast. She and
her sister Bridget, who both live with depression, are the co-hosts. The
podcast is available on iTunes, Stitcher, SoundCloud and their website
GivingVoiceToDepression.com
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