Routine or Rut?

For months now, I’ve been doing the same thing nearly every day. I’m forever hoping that today will be the day, and my energy will return and I won’t feel depressed. Maybe even I’ll accomplish everything on my to do list that’s been building for months on end. It would be nice to feel really good about myself again.

Yet, every morning I wake up, judge how exhausted I feel, maybe get a couple small things done, and spend the rest of the day watching the same movie and trying to get back to sleep. It’s incredibly embarrassing to be admitting that, but it’s the truth.

It’s not much of a way to live, but it has made sense to me. You often hear that it’s OK if all you did today was breathe. But, at what point does that become an excuse for being lazy? Or does it? I’m really beginning to wonder if that is going to take up the rest of my life.

I’m grateful for the sporadic days where I can get some writing done, and maybe do some cleaning, but I know it’s not enough. I know for certain that some day I’m going to look back on all of this and be furious that I wasted so much time.

So, it’s clear, what begin as a routine has turned into a rut that I can’t seem to break free of.

I’ve been attempting to brainstorm ways to get out of this situation, and everything I come up with seems so draining and anxiety inducing. Much more than I can handle.

I’m not really living anymore, I’m just existing, and that’s the whole problem. I have so many wonderful things I could be doing with my time, right at my finger tips. So, why am I not doing any of them? When will it feel like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I don’t know how many more times I can watch Titanic!!!

The hardest part of this situation is feeling comfortable in the rut. It’s very easy to just be. It’s very comforting to not have to think about anything, or do anything too hard. But, I’m always beating myself up at night when I go to bed. I think of all the things that I didn’t accomplish. Some days I don’t even make it down to the lower level of my house. Which means I forget to eat again. I feel like I’m chained to my bed.

So, what do I do now? The first step is usually realizing you have a problem. At least that’s what people say. Perhaps if I could make my to do lists much smaller and just accomplish one or two things on the list every day. It will be a battle fighting the urge to stay in bed. If I could accomplish two things a day, that would start to add up, right? It could be a step in the right direction.

I hope so. I don’t see any other way out of it. I can’t go on like this anymore. I’ve already wasted too much time.

When Bipolar Disorder Becomes Your Best Friend

We have very few chances to make long-lasting friendships in our lives. Life always seems to get in the way. Work, kids, money; it all prevents us from quality time with friends or family. In my case, I’ve been burned a few times, and bipolar disorder also prevents me from making strong connections.

Bipolar is a very lonely and isolating disease. Even if you’re lucky enough to have a positive support system, you still feel alone and afraid. At my lowest points, I don’t even reach out to friends or family. Historically that has not gone well for me. Most people just choose avoidance or the good old “What does she have to be depressed about?”.

I’m incredibly grateful for the mental health community on Twitter. They’ve shown me some other ways to cope with what I’m feeling, and someone is always there to listen. The downside is, they are only online; they don’t live next door, so I can expect to see anyone pop up on my front porch to kick my butt into gear. I have made some good friends.

The one constant thing in my life and something I can always count on is bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is very misunderstood. People are afraid of what they don’t understand. After my suicide attempt in 2013, “friends” started dropping like flies. This disease isn’t contagious. They simply left because “only a coward attempts suicide.”

So, once you break everything down and you consider all of the variables, what do you have left? In my case, I have an amazing husband that I am grateful for every single day. He can’t be with my 24 hours a day to make sure I’m OK. It would be wonderful, but not very practical.

What I do have is a disease called Bipolar Disorder, and I can always rely on that.

Whenever I feel totally alone, I can find bipolar resting comfortably on my shoulder, reminding me that it’s always there.

The constant black shadow hanging over me drains all of my energy and leaves me feeling useless and lost. But, what is always, always here? Yep, you guessed it. I can always count on it. It’s ironic; the one constant in my life is the one thing I want to get away from so badly.

Welcome Back!

I found it. I found it in that last place I thought to look. It should have been the first place. But, none of that matters now because I’m over the moon with gratitude. You’re asking yourself, “what the hell is she talking about” I’m sure. Simply put, I’m talking about my voice. My ability to put pen to paper and come up with something resembling a blog post. For months I’ve been mired down by negative thoughts, fears, and grief. Writer’s block is a bitch, my friends.

So, please allow me to take a moment to welcome myself back to the land of the living. I don’t know how long I’ve got in this particular universe, so I’ve got to use my time wisely. I wish I could talk about a sign or some kind of miracle that brought me back to writing again. It was quite simple, and for that, I am very lucky. For the first time in months, I thought of a topic, and the ideas started flowing. Sentences ran through my head, and I jumped up, grabbed my notebook, and here I am!

I’ve been through a lot since I last wrote. Some good things, some bad things. My physical health hasn’t been great, and my Agoraphobia symptoms appear to be at an all-time high. I’m still grieving the loss of my father, and I’m still dealing with horrible nightmares.

Thankfully, I now have a doctor that truly seems to care and listens to me. Of course, the constant support of my husband helps tremendously. There are days where none of my coping skills help me…cope.

I can tell you one thing that I am incredibly proud of. At the end of June, I celebrated FIVE years of being self-injury free. Five years ago was also my last suicide attempt, and it feels good to be able to get some of that negativity behind me. I have a lot of work to do; I know this. I’ve signed up for online courses, one of which is pretty difficult, but I’m making my way through.

I’m working with International Bipolar Foundation as a volunteer three days a week. I’m helping with their social media. I also became a Listener for 7 Cups of Tea. That has it’s own challenges as well, but I’m working on it!

I’m still struggling with getting out of bed and being productive. I know self-care is important, but sometimes it feels like that’s all I ever do. I’m started to feel ashamed and embarrassed. There are days when I don’t even go down the stairs to the main level of our house. It’s something I need to work on. But, here I am taking quite a few steps in the right direction, ad hoping for continued days free of severe brain fog.

How many of you out there have struggled with writer’s block? I would love to have you comment on this article some of the tactics you use to break free from it.

In the meantime, I’m back. Let’s hope it stays that way. There’s a big lump in my throat because I had given hope up of ever being here again. Today I can say that I am genuinely grateful.