Bipolar
is a very lonely and isolating disease. Even if you’re lucky enough to have a
positive support system, you still feel alone and afraid. At my lowest points,
I don’t even reach out to friends or family. Historically that has not gone
well for me. Most people just choose avoidance
or the good old “What does she have to be depressed about?”.
I’m
incredibly grateful for the mental health community on Twitter. They’ve shown me some other ways to cope with what I’m
feeling, and someone is always there to listen. The downside is, they are only
online; they don’t live next door, so I can expect to see anyone pop up on my
front porch to kick my butt into gear. I have made some good friends.
The
one constant thing in my life and something
I can always count on is bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is very misunderstood. People are afraid of what
they don’t understand. After my suicide attempt in 2013, “friends” started dropping
like flies. This disease isn’t contagious. They simply left because “only a coward attempts suicide.”
So,
once you break everything down and you consider all of the variables, what do
you have left? In my case, I have an amazing
husband that I am grateful for every single day. He can’t be with my 24 hours a
day to make sure I’m OK. It would be wonderful,
but not very practical.
What
I do have is a disease called Bipolar Disorder, and I can always rely on that.
Whenever
I feel totally alone, I can find bipolar
resting comfortably on my shoulder, reminding me that it’s always there.
The
constant black shadow hanging over me drains all of my energy and leaves me feeling
useless and lost. But, what is always, always here? Yep, you guessed it. I can
always count on it. It’s ironic; the one constant in my life is the one thing I
want to get away from so badly.
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