Routine or Rut?

For months now, I’ve been doing the same thing nearly every day. I’m forever hoping that today will be the day, and my energy will return and I won’t feel depressed. Maybe even I’ll accomplish everything on my to do list that’s been building for months on end. It would be nice to feel really good about myself again.

Yet, every morning I wake up, judge how exhausted I feel, maybe get a couple small things done, and spend the rest of the day watching the same movie and trying to get back to sleep. It’s incredibly embarrassing to be admitting that, but it’s the truth.

It’s not much of a way to live, but it has made sense to me. You often hear that it’s OK if all you did today was breathe. But, at what point does that become an excuse for being lazy? Or does it? I’m really beginning to wonder if that is going to take up the rest of my life.

I’m grateful for the sporadic days where I can get some writing done, and maybe do some cleaning, but I know it’s not enough. I know for certain that some day I’m going to look back on all of this and be furious that I wasted so much time.

So, it’s clear, what begin as a routine has turned into a rut that I can’t seem to break free of.

I’ve been attempting to brainstorm ways to get out of this situation, and everything I come up with seems so draining and anxiety inducing. Much more than I can handle.

I’m not really living anymore, I’m just existing, and that’s the whole problem. I have so many wonderful things I could be doing with my time, right at my finger tips. So, why am I not doing any of them? When will it feel like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I don’t know how many more times I can watch Titanic!!!

The hardest part of this situation is feeling comfortable in the rut. It’s very easy to just be. It’s very comforting to not have to think about anything, or do anything too hard. But, I’m always beating myself up at night when I go to bed. I think of all the things that I didn’t accomplish. Some days I don’t even make it down to the lower level of my house. Which means I forget to eat again. I feel like I’m chained to my bed.

So, what do I do now? The first step is usually realizing you have a problem. At least that’s what people say. Perhaps if I could make my to do lists much smaller and just accomplish one or two things on the list every day. It will be a battle fighting the urge to stay in bed. If I could accomplish two things a day, that would start to add up, right? It could be a step in the right direction.

I hope so. I don’t see any other way out of it. I can’t go on like this anymore. I’ve already wasted too much time.