Control Enthusiast

There are times in my life when I lose track of who I am and what I want to do with my life. It happens more than I would like to admit. I wouldn’t call myself a control freak, but I can be very controlling. I have to be.  I take charge of everything I possibly can; even where the pens are positioned on my desk. I can’t stand the feeling of losing control.

I think that’s why self-harm became such a big part of my life. I couldn’t control my emotions or how I was feeling, but I could control how and when I cut myself. Until I couldn’t anymore, and it became an obsession.

I read that one of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder is going from one extreme to the other end of the spectrum, with no gray area; it’s all black and white.

I will admit that in the 17 years I’ve been married, I had to let go of the reins a little bit. My husband isn’t a slob, but he doesn’t do a lot of things the way I want them to be done.

That’s the hard things for the spouse of a “control enthusiast.” They feel like they can’t live up to our expectations, so they just don’t try. The hardest part for me is that my house used to be spotless. Everything had an exact place, and that much control over my environment kept me happy.

Now, as I’m struggling with depression, there are things that I can’t drag myself out of bed to do. I just keep going over and over in my mind that my kitchen cabinets are dirty. So, what is it like to feel totally out of control in every aspect of your life?

Overwhelming. Like a constant panic attack. So you do what you can to find some semblance of peace. You make sure your notebook is in the exactly same place. You keep moving random things around until they appear to be exactly where you want them. Just enough to settle the anxiety.

One of the most frustrating parts of this situation is my inability to complete many tasks due to physical ailments. I’m in pain a lot of the time, so I’ve quite frankly lost control of everything I should have a hold on.

I know I’m perpetually a work in progress and it’s hard to find balance. I do little things like vacuum my room every day, I make sure the soap is in the right spot in the bathroom, and I keep my mind off of self-harm as best as I can.

I guess it’s a double-edged sword. It’s better to give up a little control if it brings you a little peace. On the other hand, losing that control can cause intense anxiety. Somehow, you just have to find a happy medium.