Guest Post - Mental Health Awareness Month/Week - Better Late Than Never - Keith Allison

              

What happens when you are raised without any knowledge of mental illness? Sure, I knew that people, including myself had felt anxiety, anger, confusion and maybe even a little depression. My parents got me self-help tapes to listen to when we drove around doing errands in the car. They knew something was up but really didn’t do what was needed to educate me. They just thought I needed to turn my stinking thinking around. That wasn’t the problem.

                They taught me that whatever happens in the house stays in the house. My sister just found out that when I was 17, thirty years ago that I was arrested and went to jail. My parents pushed upper middle class and their biggest fear was that people might find out we didn’t belong in the upper class. Anything that didn’t include a silver spoon as the topic wasn’t talked about outside the house and even sometimes to the other siblings.

                At the time there were two types of people, or so I was led to believe, when it comes to mental health. One was you don’t have mental health issues and you live your life outside of a mental hospital or you had mental health issues and you are locked up in a hospital most likely in a padded room. That was the extent of my thoughts and those around me in the late 1970’s. Massive stigmas abound.

I was very smart… almost too smart. I have that issue where common sense really isn’t my specialty. I am not a genius but I do have some of those common sense side effects that happen to geniuses. I really thought that the anger, anxiety, depression, guilt, abandonment issues and the like were what every single person went through. Those emotions are felt by everyone but not to the extreme as I had felt them. My parents used to love telling me, ‘life is not fair so don’t expect it to be.’

I thought my anger was under my control. I thought that my anxiety was me not being able to correctly control my emotions. I thought that my guilt was normal and that people don’t normally forgive themselves for something they did 20 years ago. I thought my extreme anxiety of looking for reasons why my girlfriend’s will leave me was normal but didn’t realize it was what made them leave me. I knew I had some issues but nothing too serious as I was always told that I am in control of my thoughts and behavior. That if there was a problem that it was for me to fix.

                Even though I went to therapist and tried some depression medicine the realization of how serious my illness is was never discovered. Even until now and I am almost fifty years old. I am doing the right thing now. I am back on anti-depressant medicine for the first time in thirty years.  I am scheduled to see a therapist also to try and find out why I think the way I do.

                I want a diagnosis, a real one. Not one where you take a test on the internet that you found by searching “Do I have Borderline Personality Disorder.” I want a doctor to tell me that my quick to anger isn’t something that I can control easily because you have this. That helplessness and hopelessness you feel is because of this. I want answers and I want them as fast as possible.

                I spent my whole life blaming myself for actions I did because of mental illness. I am not saying I am a perfect person but most of my BIG messes that I have created while living life has happened because I was unable to control something because of Mental Illness. I want someone to tell me that it is ok to forgive yourself for what you did in 1989. It is ok to let myself feel real emotions again as it is ok that I want to cry, to yell, to scream and to hide under those covers.

                I also want to know that it is ok to be happy. Every time I was happy as a kid someone pulled the rug out from underneath me. I learned to stop looking forward to anything and to not feel happy about stuff because it will be taken away from me and I am going to be in a worse spot because of it. I have lived a good forty years stealing any happiness away from myself because it scared me. It scared me because I have been gaslight so much that it was expected from my family.

I am done living my life in fear. I am going to find out exactly what makes me tick, why I am the way I am and I am not going to be done until I can feel happiness again without a sense of dread. I want to write about what I learn as I go through this journey of self-discovery and teach it to you. The reason why is that I was suicidal and then I decided if I can’t live my life for me, I will live my life for you. If I can help you not feel the way I do then I feel better about my life.

I want to live my life for me!

Guest Post - Mental Health Awareness Month/Week (UK) - What Does Mental Health Awareness Week Mean to Me? By Martin Baker

What Does Mental Health Awareness Week Mean to Me?

By Martin Baker

I’m grateful to Beka for inviting me to share what Mental Health Awareness Week means to me. Such campaigns attract their share of resistance and criticism for not addressing some of the bigger issues. Some people feel that awareness campaigns trivialise the lived experience of people with serious mental illness, giving the impression that simple strategies like talking to someone or going for a walk can take the place of professional treatment and support. I agree that a chat with a friend or a breath of fresh air is never going to cure anyone. But I do believe there is much we can do to lessen the burden of isolation and misunderstanding.

For me the principal value of campaigns like Mental Health Awareness Week, and why I support them, is that they bring like-minded — and like-hearted — people together. That has certainly been my experience. It is in such ways that we build connections, relationships, friendships, communities. It is in such ways that we empower ourselves and each other to address wider concerns and “make a sodding difference.”

Talking about mental health is a big part of that.

What Does Having a Conversation About Mental Health Mean?

Having “a conversation about mental health” might sound daunting, but it simply means allowing someone to talk openly about what’s going on for them. It might be a face-to-face conversation, a phone or video call, or a conversation by e-mail, text (SMS), or instant messaging. The important thing is that it works for you and the other person. Whatever the channel, there are a few things that distinguish a supportive conversation from the normal everyday kind. I have written previously of a few different types.

https://www.gumonmyshoe.com/2018/09/lets-talk-about-talking-three.html

I find the following reminders helpful.

Don’t interrupt. This is self-explanatory, but can be one of the hardest to remember. Let the other person share what they want to share, without giving in to the urge to interrupt with your own ideas, suggestions, and questions. I certainly need reminding of this one!

It’s their story, not yours. Don’t monopolise the conversation by recalling times you have been through what they are talking about. “I know just what you mean” is particularly unhelpful. No matter how similar your experiences might seem, their situation is uniquely theirs, and what worked — or didn’t work — for you might not be relevant to them at all. If you are asked for suggestions or advice, fair enough, but wait until you are asked.

Save your judgments for later. It’s hard to listen to someone without analysing and mentally judging what you are hearing. This isn’t wrong in itself — you might need to assess whether the person is in immediate danger, or in need of professional help — but beyond that, your internal dialogue only serves to distance you from what they are sharing with you.

You don’t have to fix everything. Depending on your relationship (partner, child, parent, family member, close friend, colleague, acquaintance, or stranger) you may be in a position to offer help, advice, or support. But it is not your responsibility to fix everything, so hold back with your suggestions unless they are asked for. On the other hand, don’t feel paralysed or useless if you can’t think of anything that could possibly help. If you are present and engaged, you are helping. Often, that is precisely — and all — that is needed. You’d be surprised how rare a gift holding space for someone can be. As the UK anti-stigma campaign Time to Change puts it: “… if you say something, you realise how many people around you haven’t, and needed to.”

But I’m Busy

We are all so busy these days. School, college, work, commuting, chores, children, our own issues and problems, fill our days — and often our nights too. When are we supposed to find time for all these conversations?

It isn’t about blocking out chunks of “Mental Health Conversation Time” in your calendar — although it might involve committing to meet up for lunch with that friend you haven’t seen in a while, calling on a relative on your way home from work, or turning off the TV after dinner to talk with your partner or child. It’s about being open to what the other person wants to talk about, and not being scared if that includes their mental health, or that of someone they care about.

Think of the people you talk to already. The colleague who gives you a ride home. The person you speak to every Saturday in your favourite café. Social media and the internet mean you can connect with almost anyone, almost anywhere, at almost any time.

It’s Not All about Mental Health

You won’t always be “talking about mental health,” of course. Open conversations span the full gamut of topics: deep and trivial, funny and sad. But if they are genuine, they encompass whatever is going on for you and the other person, and often that does include some aspect of mental health. That said, if you are open to such conversations, you might find yourself having more and more of them. I consider it a privilege that people feel at ease talking with me about topics which so often are kept hidden because they attract judgemental attitudes, stigma, and discrimination.

Balance and Boundaries

You can’t be there at all times for everyone, however. You are not a 24/7/365 crisis line. Aside from the dangers of burning yourself out, doing too much can lead to codependency, which is unhealthy for both you and the other person. Don’t take on too much, and pay attention to your own health — physical and mental. Remember that being open about mental health includes sharing your issues and concerns, as well as listening to those of others.

What Difference Can I Make, Really?

Fran and I believe passionately that all of us — you, me, everyone — can make a difference. Fran knows this first-hand, and I can do no better than close by sharing her words from the Epilogue to our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder.

There are many like me who live in invisible institutions of stigma, shame, and silence, the walls built by others from without, or by ourselves from within. Dismantling these walls invites connection. Be the gum on someone’s shoe who has one foot inside and one foot outside. Stick around. It may not be easy but you can help someone make a life worth living. Maybe even save a life. One little bit by one little bit. A smile, a wink, a hello, a listening ear, a helping hand, a friendship all work together to interrupt the grasp of illness. Be open and honest, with your friend and others you meet. Judge not, for misunderstandings abound. Acceptance, understanding, and kindness can pave another way. Let’s.

About the Author

Martin Baker graduated in pharmacy from the University of Bradford in 1983 and completed three years’ postgraduate research at the Institute of Psychiatry, King’s College London. Despite this background he had little awareness of mental illness until a chance online encounter in 2011 with American writer and photographer Fran Houston. Fran lives with bipolar disorder and other conditions. Despite living 3,000 miles apart Martin became – and remains – Fran’s primary caregiver. Their book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder inspires and informs others who support a friend or loved one living with a mental health condition. You can contact Martin on his website/blog (www.gumonmyshoe.com), Twitter (@GumOnMyShoeBook) or Facebook (MartinBakerAuthor).

https://www.gumonmyshoe.com

https://twitter.com/GumOnMyShoeBook 

http://www.facebook.com/MartinBakerAuthor

Guest Post - Mental Health Awareness Month - How Stigma Harms by Lize Brittin

"Stigma hurts lives and stigma kills.

Weight stigma.

Mental health stigma.

Racial stigma.

Trans stigma.

Queer stigma.

HIV stigma.

Disability stigma.

Addiction stigma.

Do your work to learn your biases.

Then do your work to unlearn them."

-Carmen Cool

In May of 2019, Amber Nicole was attacked and beaten badly outside of a bar in Denver, Colorado. Her jaw was broken in several places, and she suffered nerve damage and partial paralysis on one side of her face.Her crime? 

Amber Nicole identifies as transgender.

Nobody watching her being beaten that night came to her aid. Her friend was eventually able to get her into their car and to the hospital, but she has been seriously injured and will likely carry the emotional scars of the attack with her for a lifetime.

This is an extreme case of an individual enactment of stigma, a criminal attack against someone seen as "lesser than" or flawed. Stigma doesn’t always lead to hate crimes and violence. Offenses against victims can be more subtle: dirty looks, rude comments, general discrimination, taunting, or neglect. In certain kinds of situations, "courtesy stigma" can occur, wherein those close to the one being judged are also stigmatized. This can lead to isolation of both those being labeled and their friends and family members. In short, stigma affects everyone, from those who hold it to those who experience it to those who witness it.

Stigma can be a powerful weapon that negatively affects the self-esteem of both those who experience it and those who see it occur. Self-labeling and what we tell ourselves about who we are contribute either positively or negatively to our sense of self. We can have a positive self-narrative or one that tears down our self-esteem. Often, we internalize the negative comments or stereotypes that others specifically heap on us or that we know prevail in society at large, and wind up engaging pessimistic self-dialogue. This can lead to feelings of shame, a fear of reaching out when in need, and a reluctance to defend oneself and others.

One in five Americans deals in some way with mental-health conditions. Stigma is primarily based on sweeping generalizations and usually incorrect assumptions. Flawed ideas related to mental health can be especially unfavorable, and often lead to prejudice and marginalization. We often don’t see how quickly poor opinions of others can lead to the abuse of human rights. We criminalize addicts and the mentally ill and treat those who suffer as if what they experience comes down to a simple choice, forgetting that many factors contribute to the development of mental-health issues. A genetic component or predisposition, environmental factors, and possible underlying medical conditions can create the perfect storm when it comes to the development of mental illness, addiction or both. Sadly, the same mistreatment often occurs in regard to those who are simply "different."

In the realm of eating disorders, those who suffer are stigmatized in two ways, the physical and the mental. They also deal with self-stigma and body-image problems. Many who have life-threatening illnesses don’t perceive themselves accurately, and feel that they aren’t sick enough to seek treatment or insist they don’t deserve help. Their feelings of insecurity and self-loathing can run so deep that they neglect the medical help they so desperately need and deserve.

Therapy provides those in need with the tools to deal with stigma and its far-reaching effects. Therapists are in a position to teach those who are affected by injustice how to rise above any put-downs and bullying. As Rebecca Lombardo says, it is essential to keep talking mental health. This is the only way we can begin to address the harm that mental-health stigma or stigma in general causes. Mental illness is not weakness of any kind.

Individuals take a great risk when they delay or deny themselves treatment as a result of the negative views associated with mental health issues. The side effect of refusing help can lead to a deterioration of physical and mental health, poor self-image, feelings of isolation, and even suicide. In other words, when a person who’s struggling doesn’t reach out, it’s a potentially dangerous, but all too easy, form of inaction.

What is needed are more safe environments in which people who are struggling feel supported enough to open up about their situations. Sharing relieves some of the burden of living with mental illness and reduces the shame around struggling. There is no shame in our struggles. All humans have issues of some kind. Removing stigma entirely might be impossible, but we can create more, and more welcoming, pockets of shelter from the abuse of others.

In order to create healing around deep-rooted biases, it’s up to all of us to take a look at the beliefs we have and learn how to become more tolerant and open-minded toward both others and ourselves. Dominant beliefs in society need not rule how we view the world. It’s time for us to learn new ways of seeing each other. We don’t have to buy into the stigmas others create and project. Mental-health treatment doesn’t have to be about attaching labels to everyone. Who we are goes deeper than that, and we all need to recognize that we are not our illnesses. We are more than our disorders, and we should never, ever be oppressed or mistreated for showing vulnerability.

Guest Post - Kitt O'Malley - Mental Health Awareness Month - Trigger Warning

I Don’t Want to Write About #Suicide

By Kitt O’Malley (kittomalley.com)

I don’t want to write about suicide
I don’t want the image of her
Clinging onto a chain link fence
Chef’s knife in hand
Chef’s knife inside of her
Looking through the chain link
At kids playing in the park
She mourned the loss of her son
She could not contain her grief
She could not hold on
She had other children
They no longer had a mother
My father no longer had a cousin
I no longer had a cousin once removed

When I was 18
I, too, wanted to kill myself
I thought the world
Better off without me
My family
Better off without me
The emotional pain
Unbearable
A living hell
But I didn’t kill myself
I sought help
I got help
But I was not a mother
Grieving the loss of her son

Envy

This is my first attempt at writing a blog post in a very long time. I’m not ashamed to say that I have been struggling with my symptoms. I would tell myself that I need to keep moving forward. I need to stay relevant. But, my brain has always had other plans. Last night as I was trying to sleep, I kept telling myself that it was OK. Everyone has a dry spell. It’s not your fault; it just is. How I long to believe that.

I feel as if I’m beginning to fall to pieces. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I have people that count on me. Not to mention, I’m fed up with what my break downs put my husband through. His birthday is next week. I am resolved not to be a basket case for his big day. I feel as if I can’t refer to myself as a writer when I’ve hardly written an email in months. To top it all off, I’m sick as a dog with a cold or the flu, something along those lines. I’m a little bit miserable.

I’ve begun to see a disturbing pattern within myself, and that pattern is envy. As I scroll through Twitter, I see all of my amazing friends with new blog posts, articles being published, and reaching new frontiers in mental health. It’s awesome. This is what we all want and need. I have a strange sense of, “why can’t that be me”? I hate that, I do. There are times when I know I’m my worst enemy. If I just sit down and start typing, a lot of times, I get the desired outcome. When I started typing this, I wasn’t even sure where I was headed. I’m still not 100%, but I NEED this. I need to feel as if I’m a part of things. As if I’m just as capable as anyone else. Otherwise, I may as well give up on all of it.

There will always be people that are more successful than I am, I understand that. I have a very bad perfectionist streak, and I am prone to getting down on myself for every little thing. I could be doing so much with my time, yet I’m worn out and stuck in this need for self-care. At what point does self-care become laziness? I don’t even want to think about that. That would just be yet another flaw in my character for me to dwell on.

Is anyone else out there feeling this? I’m sure there must be someone. Last month, I turned 46. Where in the hell has all of the time gone? I don’t want to live with all of these regrets. I don’t want to live with being jealous of other people that are getting out there and kicking ass. I have a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to make. I struggle with that little voice in my head that tells me it’s time to give up on this advocacy thing and just live your life. 

I’m going to keep going because that’s what I need to do. I will stumble and fall, and there will always be someone that does it better, but I have to move forward. I owe that to anyone that is struggling and needs a sign that things do get better. You can’t sit back and wait for opportunities to land in your lap. So, here I am. I’m taking the first steps by writing this post. Even though I am painstakingly aware that it isn’t one of my best; what matters is, I wrote it. Maybe it will loosen up the writer's block I’ve been dealing with. Thank you to all of you that are out there getting it done. We’re all grateful, if not a little envious.

Guest Post - John Poehler - How Do You Define Success Living With Bipolar Disorder?

The dictionary defines success as, “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose; the attainment of popularity or profit; a person or thing that achieves desired aims or attains prosperity.”

Our society is not conducive to success for those of us living with a mental illness. I live with bipolar type 1 and I see firsthand how stigma negatively impacts so many of us.

THE MIND OF A PERSON LIVING WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER

Stigma is real. I’ve been the brunt of stigma many times.

I don’t bring this up to cry “victim” or say that I need special treatment. On the contrary, I see success as directly impacted by societal stigma. At least, for those of us living with bipolar disorder. 

I see success as so much more than monetary or popular gain.

With bipolar disorder, I view the world in a completely different light compared to someone without bipolar disorder. It makes sense because bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance. This imbalance contributes to the extreme variability of my illness. 

Let me give you an example. I have battled to stay alive a handful of times in my life. I’m not talking about a physical illness like pneumonia or cancer. I am speaking about battling my own mind. 

The survival instinct of a chemically stable person is to stay alive. With an illness like bipolar disorder, your mind doesn’t play by any set of rules. Your mind can literally try to kill you. It’s hard to make sense of this reality if you’ve never experienced it yourself or firsthand with that of a loved one. When you face your own mortality, your perspective on life changes.

SUCCESS IS DIFFERENT WHEN YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS

Having bipolar disorder, my definition of success is different compared to a chemically balanced individual. For me, I find it a success to simply get through day, alive and well. I actually didn’t think I would make it past my 30th birthday. At the end of 2018 I celebrated my 40th birthday. To me, that is the definition of success.

I’m not here to toot my own horn. It is important that if you live with bipolar disorder (or any other mental illness for that matter) to reframe the constraints imposed by stigma.

When you battle bipolar depression, taking a shower may be your win for that particular day. That is success!

A NEW DEFINITION FOR SUCCESS

With bipolar disorder, don’t compare yourself to others. Everyone battlestheir own demons and issues. Bipolar disorder is just a different ballgame.

Maintain strong boundaries when you are dealing with others. Many times, online gurus have tried to force-feed me their so-called ideal definition of success. I am just not built that way and never will be.

Every day we are told how we should look, what we should eat, where we should live, what we need to drive, and how much money to make.

Define yourself by your own standards and do not allow others to do it for you.

Stop comparing yourself to your peers and those around you.

Success is so much more than monetary and popular gain. Once you can realize this and feel comfortable in your skin, you will be successful.

Success is also based on your goals. If you set a goal to complete something by a certain time and achieve it, you are a success. To me, that is the simple and correct definition of success.

Battling bipolar disorder on a daily basis, I find great comfort in keeping things as simple as I can. This illness is complicated enough. I don’t need to make it more difficult.

Next time somebody starts to talk to you about success and what it really is, remember the battle you wage on a daily basis.

ARE YOU SUCCESSFUL?

How do you know if you are successful?

Most people judge success by your job, house and material possessions. When you meet someone for the first time, you generally ask what they do for a living, right?

Reconnecting with a person from your past, you may ask them what they are up to these days.

If you see a nice sports car speeding through your neighborhood, you generally assume they are well off.

These instances are based on material possessions and wealth.

If you don’t own a brand new Lexus, mansion and have a million dollar a year job, does that mean you are unsuccessful?

VARIATIONS OF SUCCESS

Defining success can be a done in a number of ways. A person’s life is made up of a number of variables. After all, a job or career does not completely define a person.

What are things in life you find most important?

The answer to this question will help you start to define success.

Some people answer career, health, family, or helping others. There is no right answer. What means more to me may not to you and vice versa.

If your job or career is important, the amount of money you make may be your gauge of success. Promoting through your company could be another indication.

Whatever gauge you use to determine success, it is uniquely yours.

Health could be what’s most important to you. The number of times you exercise per week and the healthy meal choices you make could be possible gauges.

Your family may be your focus.

How would you measure success with your family? Some people base their success on the amount of time they spend with their kids and partner. Others determine success on the number of material possessions they are able to provide for their kids.

Your moral and ethical code will help answer these questions. You can tell a lot about a person by what they focus on in life. This will also help you define success.

SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS

Success is different for each and every one of us. It truly depends on the focus of your life. 

What things do you hold most dear?

What makes you happy?

A large portion of your life is spent working. Should you enjoy what you are doing or focus on the amount of money you make?

This goes back to your moral and ethical code.

There isn’t a linear relationship between how much money you make and your happiness. You can make a large amount of money but not be happy at what you do. You can also be happy at what you do but only make a small amount of money.

How would you define success in this situation? Can you be happy and make a lot of money?

You need to figure out your own gauge for success.

If money is your focus and gauge, the more you make, the more successful you will be. It doesn’t necessarily determine your degree of happiness.

Using enjoyment as your gauge will change your definition of success and happiness.

SUCCESS IN SOCIETY

In my early 20’s, I wanted to make lots of money and start a successful career.

This became the basis of my entire moral code. Since then, it has morphed tremendously along my journey of life.

Let me show you an example.

We all know someone who is financially well off. This particular person I knew lived in an affluent area of America, held a prestigious position and worked long hours. He often missed holiday get-togethers, missing attending his kids’ activities and physically not being there for his family.

If you use money as your gauge, he was financially successful.

As a father, would you measure his success along the same standards?

Again, it goes back to your gauge of success.

There is no right or wrong answer. 

Everybody has their own belief system, morals, and values. Using this line of reasoning, success is defined differently for each and every one of us. After all, we are all unique.

LAST THOUGHTS

Another dictionary definition of success is, “The accomplishment of an aim or purpose.”

This definition of success follows perfectly in line with my previous line of thinking. 

Your background and environment will help determine your purpose and aim in life. From there, you can gauge your own success.

Living with bipolar disorder, I have a unique perspective regarding success. My journey is unlike that of a chemically stable individual. It has helped pave the path of what I find most vital in life.

Success does not determine how you are as a person. It shows how each of us can be successful in our own different and unique ways.

Guest Post - Cara Lisette - How Does Mania Feel?

I wanted to talk about how it feels to experience different mental health problems, so I decided to do a little series where I’ll be talking about depression, mania, anorexia and OSFED. This is the second post in the series, where I’m talking about mania.

Having bipolar disorder for me means that I am always in one of three states: depressed, hypomanic/manic, or stable – but that stability is never without an underlying anxiety that at some point, I will again be depressed or hypomanic. And that the hypomania might turn in to mania. And that I don’t know when any of these things will happen.

There is a common misconception about mania; that it’s fun, that you are the life of the party. To some degree that is true, but let me tell you – mania is exhausting. I feel wonderful for a while but it very quickly turns to irritability that people are questioning me and that nobody else can keep up. I have a thousand and one thoughts that are all brilliant and I can’t process them quick enough. Not everyone thinks they are brilliant because they are are stupid and I am smart.

I’ve had many half finished projects; a children’s book, a half blitzed house that I lost interest in cleaning, pages and pages of revision that make no sense. I’ve spend thousands and thousands of pounds on things I can’t put my fingers on; in the height of my eating disorder my mania would result in hundreds of pounds worth of food that would end up in the toilet. An eating disorder and a hypomanic episode are not a good combination.

At the very beginning of my worst episode in 2016, I started to become very blasé about things – crashing my car, not going to uni, spending money. I felt completely carefree and happy, but looking back it’s clear that it was the start of something brewing. Within the next fortnight or so I had spent nearly £2000 on goodness knows what, tipped my house upside down and written half a children’s book that I thought would change the world (I’ve not written another word since). I invented a profound saying that I thought was genius and was convinced would catch on – I can’t recall what it was now. I thought there was a man shining a torch into my lounge at night and I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t wash. But not in the same way as with depression, where I didn’t have it in me. I just didn’t have time. There were far more important things to do, although I have no idea what I actually spent my time doing. It flew by and I achieved very little; it felt like a whole night awake alone would pass in just a few minutes. I didn’t have a wink of sleep for over 100 hours – that’s enough to affect anybody’s mental state, but those 100 hours felt like just a few. After writing a bizarre letter to my GP and running to the surgery in the middle of the night to deliver it, I had an urgent appointment, a prescription for zopiclone and a massive crash. I slept for days. I could hardly keep my eyes open. My cat had an operation and anyone that has ever met me would tell you that he is pretty much the most important thing in my whole life, and I couldn’t even get up and take him to the vet. I remember crying in bed thinking he would die and I couldn’t even get myself up to go with him because my body was too exhausted to move after the medication and the fact it had been running at 100 miles an hour for days on end.

That’s when I got my official bipolar diagnosis.

In hindsight I can think of many times that I wasn’t myself, even back into my school years. I’ve got diary entries spanning over the last 15 years that every now and again become bizarre and rambling. People notice my early warning signs before I do. My sleep falls by the wayside first. I talk a lot – all day and all night – to my friends. I start creating constantly but rarely finishing anything – cross stitch, colouring, painting, sewing. Everything and everyone is either hilarious or infuriating. But I am especially hilarious.

I cried so much after I was diagnosed. I am a mental health nurse, I understand what it means for my life. My lifespan is 10 years shorter than someone without this diagnosis. I will probably need to take medication for the rest of my life. I have, what my consultant described as, ‘a severe and enduring mental illness’. This isn’t going away, no matter what I do. The most I can do is keep myself as healthy as I possibly can.

I’m proactive now. The lure of hypomania is tempting; the elation it brings, the confidence, the freedom. As I get close to it, I start to feel its benefits. I’m fun, I’m productive, I’m creative. I’m happy. But it doesn’t stay that way. I try my very hardest to look after myself. I’m not always the best at taking my meds, but I try. I don’t always eat well, but I try. I’ve tried mood diaries. I notice my sleep and I take meds if it’s slipping. All I can do is try.

Sometimes I feel scared when I take the time to think about how my life will be affected when one of these episodes inevitably reoccurs; but for now I’m just trying to appreciate the times that I am well and able to do the things that my illness has stopped me doing so many times before.

As with my depression, all I can say is that I have a mood disorder, and that means I will have episodes throughout my life. Statistically bipolar episodes, particular mania, get more severe with age. I’ve certainly noticed that to be true. However, I’ve not been in hospital for 13 years and I hope to keep it that way.

All I can hope for is that the episodes are few and far between, and work as hard as I can to notice them.