Envy

This is my first attempt at writing a blog post in a very long time. I’m not ashamed to say that I have been struggling with my symptoms. I would tell myself that I need to keep moving forward. I need to stay relevant. But, my brain has always had other plans. Last night as I was trying to sleep, I kept telling myself that it was OK. Everyone has a dry spell. It’s not your fault; it just is. How I long to believe that.

I feel as if I’m beginning to fall to pieces. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I have people that count on me. Not to mention, I’m fed up with what my break downs put my husband through. His birthday is next week. I am resolved not to be a basket case for his big day. I feel as if I can’t refer to myself as a writer when I’ve hardly written an email in months. To top it all off, I’m sick as a dog with a cold or the flu, something along those lines. I’m a little bit miserable.

I’ve begun to see a disturbing pattern within myself, and that pattern is envy. As I scroll through Twitter, I see all of my amazing friends with new blog posts, articles being published, and reaching new frontiers in mental health. It’s awesome. This is what we all want and need. I have a strange sense of, “why can’t that be me”? I hate that, I do. There are times when I know I’m my worst enemy. If I just sit down and start typing, a lot of times, I get the desired outcome. When I started typing this, I wasn’t even sure where I was headed. I’m still not 100%, but I NEED this. I need to feel as if I’m a part of things. As if I’m just as capable as anyone else. Otherwise, I may as well give up on all of it.

There will always be people that are more successful than I am, I understand that. I have a very bad perfectionist streak, and I am prone to getting down on myself for every little thing. I could be doing so much with my time, yet I’m worn out and stuck in this need for self-care. At what point does self-care become laziness? I don’t even want to think about that. That would just be yet another flaw in my character for me to dwell on.

Is anyone else out there feeling this? I’m sure there must be someone. Last month, I turned 46. Where in the hell has all of the time gone? I don’t want to live with all of these regrets. I don’t want to live with being jealous of other people that are getting out there and kicking ass. I have a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to make. I struggle with that little voice in my head that tells me it’s time to give up on this advocacy thing and just live your life. 

I’m going to keep going because that’s what I need to do. I will stumble and fall, and there will always be someone that does it better, but I have to move forward. I owe that to anyone that is struggling and needs a sign that things do get better. You can’t sit back and wait for opportunities to land in your lap. So, here I am. I’m taking the first steps by writing this post. Even though I am painstakingly aware that it isn’t one of my best; what matters is, I wrote it. Maybe it will loosen up the writer's block I’ve been dealing with. Thank you to all of you that are out there getting it done. We’re all grateful, if not a little envious.

Guest Post - John Poehler - How Do You Define Success Living With Bipolar Disorder?

The dictionary defines success as, “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose; the attainment of popularity or profit; a person or thing that achieves desired aims or attains prosperity.”

Our society is not conducive to success for those of us living with a mental illness. I live with bipolar type 1 and I see firsthand how stigma negatively impacts so many of us.

THE MIND OF A PERSON LIVING WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER

Stigma is real. I’ve been the brunt of stigma many times.

I don’t bring this up to cry “victim” or say that I need special treatment. On the contrary, I see success as directly impacted by societal stigma. At least, for those of us living with bipolar disorder. 

I see success as so much more than monetary or popular gain.

With bipolar disorder, I view the world in a completely different light compared to someone without bipolar disorder. It makes sense because bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance. This imbalance contributes to the extreme variability of my illness. 

Let me give you an example. I have battled to stay alive a handful of times in my life. I’m not talking about a physical illness like pneumonia or cancer. I am speaking about battling my own mind. 

The survival instinct of a chemically stable person is to stay alive. With an illness like bipolar disorder, your mind doesn’t play by any set of rules. Your mind can literally try to kill you. It’s hard to make sense of this reality if you’ve never experienced it yourself or firsthand with that of a loved one. When you face your own mortality, your perspective on life changes.

SUCCESS IS DIFFERENT WHEN YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS

Having bipolar disorder, my definition of success is different compared to a chemically balanced individual. For me, I find it a success to simply get through day, alive and well. I actually didn’t think I would make it past my 30th birthday. At the end of 2018 I celebrated my 40th birthday. To me, that is the definition of success.

I’m not here to toot my own horn. It is important that if you live with bipolar disorder (or any other mental illness for that matter) to reframe the constraints imposed by stigma.

When you battle bipolar depression, taking a shower may be your win for that particular day. That is success!

A NEW DEFINITION FOR SUCCESS

With bipolar disorder, don’t compare yourself to others. Everyone battlestheir own demons and issues. Bipolar disorder is just a different ballgame.

Maintain strong boundaries when you are dealing with others. Many times, online gurus have tried to force-feed me their so-called ideal definition of success. I am just not built that way and never will be.

Every day we are told how we should look, what we should eat, where we should live, what we need to drive, and how much money to make.

Define yourself by your own standards and do not allow others to do it for you.

Stop comparing yourself to your peers and those around you.

Success is so much more than monetary and popular gain. Once you can realize this and feel comfortable in your skin, you will be successful.

Success is also based on your goals. If you set a goal to complete something by a certain time and achieve it, you are a success. To me, that is the simple and correct definition of success.

Battling bipolar disorder on a daily basis, I find great comfort in keeping things as simple as I can. This illness is complicated enough. I don’t need to make it more difficult.

Next time somebody starts to talk to you about success and what it really is, remember the battle you wage on a daily basis.

ARE YOU SUCCESSFUL?

How do you know if you are successful?

Most people judge success by your job, house and material possessions. When you meet someone for the first time, you generally ask what they do for a living, right?

Reconnecting with a person from your past, you may ask them what they are up to these days.

If you see a nice sports car speeding through your neighborhood, you generally assume they are well off.

These instances are based on material possessions and wealth.

If you don’t own a brand new Lexus, mansion and have a million dollar a year job, does that mean you are unsuccessful?

VARIATIONS OF SUCCESS

Defining success can be a done in a number of ways. A person’s life is made up of a number of variables. After all, a job or career does not completely define a person.

What are things in life you find most important?

The answer to this question will help you start to define success.

Some people answer career, health, family, or helping others. There is no right answer. What means more to me may not to you and vice versa.

If your job or career is important, the amount of money you make may be your gauge of success. Promoting through your company could be another indication.

Whatever gauge you use to determine success, it is uniquely yours.

Health could be what’s most important to you. The number of times you exercise per week and the healthy meal choices you make could be possible gauges.

Your family may be your focus.

How would you measure success with your family? Some people base their success on the amount of time they spend with their kids and partner. Others determine success on the number of material possessions they are able to provide for their kids.

Your moral and ethical code will help answer these questions. You can tell a lot about a person by what they focus on in life. This will also help you define success.

SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS

Success is different for each and every one of us. It truly depends on the focus of your life. 

What things do you hold most dear?

What makes you happy?

A large portion of your life is spent working. Should you enjoy what you are doing or focus on the amount of money you make?

This goes back to your moral and ethical code.

There isn’t a linear relationship between how much money you make and your happiness. You can make a large amount of money but not be happy at what you do. You can also be happy at what you do but only make a small amount of money.

How would you define success in this situation? Can you be happy and make a lot of money?

You need to figure out your own gauge for success.

If money is your focus and gauge, the more you make, the more successful you will be. It doesn’t necessarily determine your degree of happiness.

Using enjoyment as your gauge will change your definition of success and happiness.

SUCCESS IN SOCIETY

In my early 20’s, I wanted to make lots of money and start a successful career.

This became the basis of my entire moral code. Since then, it has morphed tremendously along my journey of life.

Let me show you an example.

We all know someone who is financially well off. This particular person I knew lived in an affluent area of America, held a prestigious position and worked long hours. He often missed holiday get-togethers, missing attending his kids’ activities and physically not being there for his family.

If you use money as your gauge, he was financially successful.

As a father, would you measure his success along the same standards?

Again, it goes back to your gauge of success.

There is no right or wrong answer. 

Everybody has their own belief system, morals, and values. Using this line of reasoning, success is defined differently for each and every one of us. After all, we are all unique.

LAST THOUGHTS

Another dictionary definition of success is, “The accomplishment of an aim or purpose.”

This definition of success follows perfectly in line with my previous line of thinking. 

Your background and environment will help determine your purpose and aim in life. From there, you can gauge your own success.

Living with bipolar disorder, I have a unique perspective regarding success. My journey is unlike that of a chemically stable individual. It has helped pave the path of what I find most vital in life.

Success does not determine how you are as a person. It shows how each of us can be successful in our own different and unique ways.

Guest Post - Cara Lisette - How Does Mania Feel?

I wanted to talk about how it feels to experience different mental health problems, so I decided to do a little series where I’ll be talking about depression, mania, anorexia and OSFED. This is the second post in the series, where I’m talking about mania.

Having bipolar disorder for me means that I am always in one of three states: depressed, hypomanic/manic, or stable – but that stability is never without an underlying anxiety that at some point, I will again be depressed or hypomanic. And that the hypomania might turn in to mania. And that I don’t know when any of these things will happen.

There is a common misconception about mania; that it’s fun, that you are the life of the party. To some degree that is true, but let me tell you – mania is exhausting. I feel wonderful for a while but it very quickly turns to irritability that people are questioning me and that nobody else can keep up. I have a thousand and one thoughts that are all brilliant and I can’t process them quick enough. Not everyone thinks they are brilliant because they are are stupid and I am smart.

I’ve had many half finished projects; a children’s book, a half blitzed house that I lost interest in cleaning, pages and pages of revision that make no sense. I’ve spend thousands and thousands of pounds on things I can’t put my fingers on; in the height of my eating disorder my mania would result in hundreds of pounds worth of food that would end up in the toilet. An eating disorder and a hypomanic episode are not a good combination.

At the very beginning of my worst episode in 2016, I started to become very blasé about things – crashing my car, not going to uni, spending money. I felt completely carefree and happy, but looking back it’s clear that it was the start of something brewing. Within the next fortnight or so I had spent nearly £2000 on goodness knows what, tipped my house upside down and written half a children’s book that I thought would change the world (I’ve not written another word since). I invented a profound saying that I thought was genius and was convinced would catch on – I can’t recall what it was now. I thought there was a man shining a torch into my lounge at night and I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t wash. But not in the same way as with depression, where I didn’t have it in me. I just didn’t have time. There were far more important things to do, although I have no idea what I actually spent my time doing. It flew by and I achieved very little; it felt like a whole night awake alone would pass in just a few minutes. I didn’t have a wink of sleep for over 100 hours – that’s enough to affect anybody’s mental state, but those 100 hours felt like just a few. After writing a bizarre letter to my GP and running to the surgery in the middle of the night to deliver it, I had an urgent appointment, a prescription for zopiclone and a massive crash. I slept for days. I could hardly keep my eyes open. My cat had an operation and anyone that has ever met me would tell you that he is pretty much the most important thing in my whole life, and I couldn’t even get up and take him to the vet. I remember crying in bed thinking he would die and I couldn’t even get myself up to go with him because my body was too exhausted to move after the medication and the fact it had been running at 100 miles an hour for days on end.

That’s when I got my official bipolar diagnosis.

In hindsight I can think of many times that I wasn’t myself, even back into my school years. I’ve got diary entries spanning over the last 15 years that every now and again become bizarre and rambling. People notice my early warning signs before I do. My sleep falls by the wayside first. I talk a lot – all day and all night – to my friends. I start creating constantly but rarely finishing anything – cross stitch, colouring, painting, sewing. Everything and everyone is either hilarious or infuriating. But I am especially hilarious.

I cried so much after I was diagnosed. I am a mental health nurse, I understand what it means for my life. My lifespan is 10 years shorter than someone without this diagnosis. I will probably need to take medication for the rest of my life. I have, what my consultant described as, ‘a severe and enduring mental illness’. This isn’t going away, no matter what I do. The most I can do is keep myself as healthy as I possibly can.

I’m proactive now. The lure of hypomania is tempting; the elation it brings, the confidence, the freedom. As I get close to it, I start to feel its benefits. I’m fun, I’m productive, I’m creative. I’m happy. But it doesn’t stay that way. I try my very hardest to look after myself. I’m not always the best at taking my meds, but I try. I don’t always eat well, but I try. I’ve tried mood diaries. I notice my sleep and I take meds if it’s slipping. All I can do is try.

Sometimes I feel scared when I take the time to think about how my life will be affected when one of these episodes inevitably reoccurs; but for now I’m just trying to appreciate the times that I am well and able to do the things that my illness has stopped me doing so many times before.

As with my depression, all I can say is that I have a mood disorder, and that means I will have episodes throughout my life. Statistically bipolar episodes, particular mania, get more severe with age. I’ve certainly noticed that to be true. However, I’ve not been in hospital for 13 years and I hope to keep it that way.

All I can hope for is that the episodes are few and far between, and work as hard as I can to notice them.

Guest Post by Aniket Saraf - Battling Mental Health with Debilitating Physical Traum

Opening Up: Battling Mental Health along with Debilitating Physical Trauma

There are many misconceptions about Mental Health Issues that, either you have them since childhood or you don’t. I experienced the banality of this statement first-hand after suffering from severe physical trauma opened my eyes to this bitter truth.

In this article, I wish to share some details about my recovery, how I noticed changes in myself that alerted me to the importance of mental health, the lack of education and awareness regarding mental health, how the stigma has instilled ignorance, negligence and even fear and intolerance in people’s minds regarding mental health problems and the difficulties I faced (still am facing) while dealing with Mental Illness in addition to my physical trauma. I say this sarcastically, but some of you might think that this is just a rant and I can’t deny that, it is, but is NOT JUST a rant. I want to spread awareness regarding mental health problems so that others don’t have to struggle, be afraid and hesitate when they try to open up and address these issues like me.

What does Mental Health have to do with Physical Trauma? They aren’t related right?

Speaking from personal experience, I can say that Physical Trauma and Mental Health Issues are definitely interrelated. I think the term PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder says it all. “Trauma” here includes physical as well as mental, no matter where it has been inflicted or how.

After learning that I won’t be able to travel freely at least 18 months, I can tell you, the physical trauma completely affected my mental health. For about a year, I was focusing only on the positive, suppressing and trivializing all the negativity. Then suddenly, all the pent up negative thoughts began creeping out through the small cracks already present in my mind, and within a few days, my mind was engulfed in the negativity. It has been a painful struggle fighting mental health problems and keeping up with the physical therapy for my injuries, it makes me writhe.

Only the physical aspect of the trauma is visible to everyone; broken bone, paralyzed arm, skin, muscle, tissue loss. But, the accident and these injuries inflicted on me also affected me mentally. My mind started to play the ridiculous “What If?” games.

“I dropped out of college, only for THIS to happen?” “What if I had taken that job at the travel company? It was good and I would be earning right now, instead of being a broke freelance writer completely dependent on my father.” “I am worthless. I am garbage. I am a complete Failure. I won’t amount to anything, ever. I should just Give Up now and save my father’s money. There’s no use in continuing to fight.”

This is how my thoughts begin and rampantly escalate to thoughts of self-harm and at times, suicide. THIS is why I say Mental Health and Physical trauma are related.

Here are a few facts about mental health problems that might dispel certain misconceptions in people’s minds:

§  There is NO AGE LIMIT. Any person can suffer from a mental illness regardless of their Age.

§  These problems make one think the worst of themselves and at times, do extreme things and hurt others. But, We ARE NOT our mental illness.

§  Opening up to anyone IS a big deal even if it might not be for the person we are trusting. Nothing is ever TRIVIAL.

§  Any kind of trauma can affect one’s mental health, be it mental or physical.

So, if you see or think that someone might be battling mental health issues, try reaching out and offering a helping hand. But, remember not to make ANY assumptions whatsoever about their situation, struggle or pain. Just be there for them! That’s more than enough.

Here is a quote I have written after experiencing first hand, how assuming things can be harmful:

“The worst thing one can do is make assumptions. Assumptions are dicey and self – serving and can only cause hurt. Never go down that path – it’s riddled with thorns.”

Guest Post - Brandy Higgins from Live Mentally Well - How Your Pet Improves Your Mental Health

As a nurse, I learned about therapeutic animals who were brought into the hospital to help patients to heal. I call this pet therapy. As I became a member of the Twitter mental health community as @WellMentally, I noticed how many people talked about their pets and asked for pet pics when having a bad day. Beka often posts about her own cat, Hayley, as well.

I, myself, have a dog that we all love very much.

My dog, Ruby, has always guarded me from others. She is a beautiful little English springer spaniel. When she warns people away from me, you would think she was a pitbull!

Perhaps, she senses my anxiety around people and my fears related to past trauma. I don't know but I do know she definitely spends much of her time guarding me. She even lays on her bed in front of my door whether I am sleeping days or nights. She has to be forced to go out to the bathroom during those times.

I believe the unique relationship a person has to the their pet, aka. pet therapy, can ease loneliness, provide structure to the day, encourage exercise, and give a sense of safety in the case of a dog. Click here to read an article from the British Medical Journal that agrees with this.

There may be affiliate links in this post. There is no cost to you by clicking on an affiliate link. By buying products through the links, you are helping to further the mission of Live Mentally Well. Remember I am a registered nurse, not a physician.  Please consult a doctor for medical issues.

Easing Loneliness

Pets provide companionship and love you unconditionally. They are always there when you come home from a bad day at work. Petting your furry animals can be calming. Even watching fish can soothe you into some a meditative state.

Providing Structure During The Day

Pets need to be fed and if a dog let out to go to the bathroom and walked. This creates a routine you may not have when you're home sick. This routine is can improve your mental health.

Encouraging Daily Exercise

While you can't walk your iguana or fish, you can walk your dog and sometimes your cat. This provides daily exercise that you might not do for yourself but will for a beloved pet.

Providing A Sense Of Safety

As I mentioned above, my dog is a great guard dog. She also makes a great although sometimes faulty alarm. She will bark at anything she hears even far away. However, it is well known that dogs reduced the chance of break-ins. This can ease the mind of people like me who were abused.

Take Away

Although my dog, Ruby, sometimes drives me up the wall with all her antics but I wouldn't trade her for anything.  She calms me when I'm anxious. She comforts me when I'm depressed. She also gets me off my butt when I'm depressed. I love her and all her quirkiness.

How does your pet help your mental health?

5 Ways Orange is the New Black Contributes to Stigma

One of the most binge-worthy shows of the last few summers is Orange is the New Black. It’s a show I’ve grown to enjoy, even though I’ve had trouble with some of the scenes from the start. If you aren’t familiar with the show, it’s based is a women’s medium security prison.

The show follows the main character, Piper Chapman, and all the colorful personalities found at Litchfield Correctional Facility. The story is derived from a memoir of the same name. It’s a strong rated R and at times borders on an X rating.

Now that I’ve watched the whole series several times, I’m not as uncomfortable about the sexual scenes, but it did take some getting used to. While the writers of the show feed into many negative stereotypes of a women’s prison, you’ve got to give them credit for putting it all out there.

While watching the newest season, I started realizing how the show could have a negative impact on some of its viewers in a different way. There’s no trigger warning at the beginning of each episode, and perhaps there should be. After watching season 6 once again, I started to compile a list of ways Orange is the New Black contributed to stigma.

1)  Graphic depictions and discussions of self-harm. Three different episodes feature either talking about how self-harm could be done or characters shown practicing self-harm behavior.

2)  Graphic depictions of suicide. Two characters attempt suicide and one character, after being found dead from a drug overdose, is made to look as if she died by suicide.

3)  Frequent use of the word “commit” when referring to suicide. We in the mental health movement are struggling to get this term removed from the suicide discussion.

4)  The use of the expression “suicide is for cowards.” Unfortunately, there are still people that believe this and will jump on that bandwagon. As a suicide attempt survivor, I can guarantee making that decision has nothing to do with being cowardly.

5)  Using the word “freak” when referring to a transgender character as well as the frequent and blatant use of the word “retard.” I am certain that these terms would bother those standing up for equality.

I can understand where some may find me too nit picky, and maybe that’s true. But, when you’ve been through as much as I have, as many other people have, you start to become more aware of the consequences of your actions.

It’s true that Orange is the New Black is a drama based on real experiences, but there were times when I had to pause the TV, look at my husband, and say, “That just irresponsible!”

Do writers have a responsibility to the audience? Should they factor in how these negative stereotypes will impact the viewers? Or is this too much to expect? I realize that if they had to pick apart everything that was said for fear of insulting someone, there wouldn’t be much of a show. At the same time, I feel like some of us are fighting a war out here, trying to tackle stigma of all kinds. We could use a little help from the people who can spread the message to the biggest audience.

Control Enthusiast

There are times in my life when I lose track of who I am and what I want to do with my life. It happens more than I would like to admit. I wouldn’t call myself a control freak, but I can be very controlling. I have to be.  I take charge of everything I possibly can; even where the pens are positioned on my desk. I can’t stand the feeling of losing control.

I think that’s why self-harm became such a big part of my life. I couldn’t control my emotions or how I was feeling, but I could control how and when I cut myself. Until I couldn’t anymore, and it became an obsession.

I read that one of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder is going from one extreme to the other end of the spectrum, with no gray area; it’s all black and white.

I will admit that in the 17 years I’ve been married, I had to let go of the reins a little bit. My husband isn’t a slob, but he doesn’t do a lot of things the way I want them to be done.

That’s the hard things for the spouse of a “control enthusiast.” They feel like they can’t live up to our expectations, so they just don’t try. The hardest part for me is that my house used to be spotless. Everything had an exact place, and that much control over my environment kept me happy.

Now, as I’m struggling with depression, there are things that I can’t drag myself out of bed to do. I just keep going over and over in my mind that my kitchen cabinets are dirty. So, what is it like to feel totally out of control in every aspect of your life?

Overwhelming. Like a constant panic attack. So you do what you can to find some semblance of peace. You make sure your notebook is in the exactly same place. You keep moving random things around until they appear to be exactly where you want them. Just enough to settle the anxiety.

One of the most frustrating parts of this situation is my inability to complete many tasks due to physical ailments. I’m in pain a lot of the time, so I’ve quite frankly lost control of everything I should have a hold on.

I know I’m perpetually a work in progress and it’s hard to find balance. I do little things like vacuum my room every day, I make sure the soap is in the right spot in the bathroom, and I keep my mind off of self-harm as best as I can.

I guess it’s a double-edged sword. It’s better to give up a little control if it brings you a little peace. On the other hand, losing that control can cause intense anxiety. Somehow, you just have to find a happy medium.